Forbidden Colours
by manicprincessa
Summary: During the Second World War, SS Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth, the commandant of concentration camp Kraków-Płaszów seems to enjoy his job. He enjoys killing the camp inmates and torturing his Polish Jewish maid, Helena whom he is unable to get rid of. Or is there something more under the surface?
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: My story is a simple fiction. It is based on the characters portrayed by Ralph Fiennes and Embeth Davidtz in Steven Spielberg's film Schindler's List (1993), and not on the real Amon Goeth or on any real people. I do not support Nazi ideology. I try to do my best to preserve the authenticity of that period of the history, all the factual and other kind of errors are mine.**

 **The story starts in April 1943 in the concentration camp of Kraków-Płaszów, Poland.**

Chapter 1.

Helena Dreyfus walked back to the villa as quickly as possible, wrapping her shivering arms around her fragile body.

Her thin coat had long lost its original black colour, it looked grey, tattered and dirty now, and it would have suited better for a sunny spring or autumn day but it was freezing cold despite the late April morning. During the night even a thick layer of snow felt, but now it started to melt into the soil. If it weren't a war now, she thought sorrowfully, Anne and I would be playing in the nearby park and building a snowman, even though we are not little girls anymore. Anne was sixteen, Helena was nineteen, and they both loved being outside in the nature.

She was terribly cold and she hated walking on the muddy ground where two Jewish cemeteries used to stand. Since the liquidation of the Kraków Ghetto, since 13th and 14th March 1943 Helena lived in the concentration camp of Kraków-Płaszów.

The camp had been planned to be a forced labour camp, supplying cheap working power to the German armament factories and to a stone quarry, but it became one of the most horrible concentration camps of the Nazis. Even though it possessed no gas chambers or crematoria, thousands of people died there – by shootings or by hangings which was the favourite method of punishment of SS Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth, the Viennese commandant of the camp.

He was a tall, dark-haired man with a handsome face and cruel, icy cold blue eyes. The deadness of those eyes caught the attention of an attentive person, but most people let themselves be seduced by his charming good looks. His body was well-trained, despite his slightly slackened belly, and he looked perfect in his Nazi uniform. However the enchantment didn't always last long when they heard his rude manner of speaking or his apathetic rude voice that he used inside the camp. Everyone was afraid of him – not only the inmates of the camp, but the men and women serving under his direction as well. His face always wore a strict, merciless expression and a smile was rarely seen on his thin lips – mostly when he was talking to his friend, Oskar Schindler, the owner of the Deutsche Emaillewaren-Fabrik ("Emalia"), who was always able to make him laugh.

Only when Amon was alone, he dared to show how physically and mentally exhausted he actually was. Oskar often warned him that he would ruin himself by his excessive drinking and smoking and Amon knew that his friend was right but he also knew exactly what was the real problem that undermined his physical and mental health. The Jews, they were the problem.

Every day he had his breakfast on the balcony of his villa and before eating, he shot at least one Jew who seemed to be too slow or too old for his taste. Helena heard that Herr Kommandant had killed two Jewish policemen on his first day when he had arrived to be the camp commandant and he had made the whole camp watch the bloody act. Very few people dared to try to escape the camp – for the luck of the others because Amon Goeth shot ten prisoners as a punishment for the attempt.

It was very easy to make Herr Kommandant angry – only a simple glance on him that he might find offensive or disgusted, could have persuaded him that it would be a wonderful idea to shoot that someone or to send his Great Dane dogs on them or on their neighbours. Helena could experience his anger quite often, even though she almost never looked at him and she did her very best to do her job and fulfil his requests. Herr Kommandant slapped or hit her when the breakfast wasn't ready for the time he requested, when the roasted chicken was burnt a little, when there was a draught in the living room or when she wasn't fast enough to arrive at his study at his call. She could feel his anger and hatred on her own skin almost every day.

Helena walked even quicker when she reached the wooden staircase leading up to the villa. She almost ran past the female guards who were just as brutal and cruel as the Ukrainian SS personnel and the members of the SS-Totenkopfverbände. She could see Kommandoführerin Alice Orlowski approaching, who enjoyed whipping people, especially young women. The blond plump woman wore a satisfied wide grin on her made-up face and she shouted something in German towards a group of teenage girls who were collecting stones nearby.

From the top of the staircase Helena looked down at the camp. She didn't know anything about the different sections into which that horrible place was divided and she had no idea where her sister, Anne could be at that moment. Was she working somewhere? Was she sick? Was she alive at all? She didn't know the answer to those questions and it made her feel sick in the stomach. They had been together until one day Herr Kommandant arrived and chose her to be his maid. Then a few hours later she was taken to the villa and she didn't see Anne anymore.

When she lifted her eyes from the ground and she looked farther and higher, she could see the upper part of Hujowa Górka, the lovely hill that used to be so popular among the Cracovian people before the war. The Dreyfus family loved spending their Sundays there. Her father recited them long poems (he used to teach Literature in a grammar school), then they consumed all the delicious sandwiches and fresh cherry pies that Helena had prepared with her mother in the morning. Anne didn't really like baking or cooking, she preferred writing stories and discussing them with her father. Nowadays paper-thin naked bodies of executed Jews were lying in frightening and smelling piles therefore no one would have gone there for a picnic or weekend trip anymore.

The only thing Helena could be grateful for Herr Kommandant was her chance of survival. In the camp, filled with Polish Jews, almost half of them women and children, dozens of people died every day. Food was scarce and starvation was one of the reasons of the high death rate. Hygiene was also missing and it gave free way to the devastation of the typhus and other diseases. Who could escape from the brutality of Amon Goeth or the guards, had a huge possibility of dying of typhus or having nothing to eat.

Helena was given enough food and a comfortable bed without lice, and she had the luxurious possibility to wash herself every evening before going to bed. All she had to survive was Amon Goeth's deep hatred and violence.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter 2.

While sitting at the kitchen table peeling potatoes for dinner, Helena remembered what had happened last night.

Her fingers were moving automatically, grabbing the small potatoes one by one, peeling their skin off with the knife carefully, then dropping them into the bowl, filled with fresh water. She didn't have to pay attention on her work and she had the opportunity to think.

Last night Herr Kommandant had had a cheerful party with his few friends and their temporary girlfriends. They weren't celebrating anything special, they just wanted to enjoy a great dinner and a little conversation about different kinds of topics while the Polish prostitutes were smoking and giggling on the balcony, turning their back on the depressing site of the camp. It was already dark outside, only a dozen searchlights kept on sweeping the ground, looking for violators of the curfew.

After the men had enough of talking about the war and other serious things, the two little companies united again. They could eat Helena's delicious roast turkey (that had been sent by Herr Schindler the previous evening) garnished with rice and salad, they could drink Hungarian wine and following that they were surprised by kremówka, traditional Polish pies, filled with whipped cream, buttercream and vanilla custard cream.

Even Herr Kommandant was completely astonished, because he had no idea that dessert had also been on the menu. Helena had found the thought of surprising him as a challenge and Herr Schindler had been so helpful to provide the rare ingredients from the black market. She had got up at four o'clock and spent the whole morning preparing the pies in order to keep the secret from Herr Kommandant. She was proud of herself and she enjoyed the sincere joy and surprise on Amon's face, accompanied by a little lovely smile. Even though it didn't last long and it proved to be a scarce incident, at least he seemed to be human for a minute.

By the time all the guests had left, it was about half past eleven. Helena cleared the huge table in the dining room, changed the table cloth and washed the coffee cups and saucers while Amon and Oskar were smoking and chatting on the balcony. After putting the kitchen and the dining room into perfect order, she rushed to her basement room. She had a long, busy day, she was dead tired and all she wanted was to sleep. She washed herself quickly because all those household jobs and running between the kitchen and the dining room, filled with hungry and thirsty guests, all the evening had made her sweat all over her skinny body.

She was standing naked next to the wash basin, reaching for the towel when she heard quick footsteps on the staircase leading to the basement, her recent home. Someone was coming down in a hurry and she knew very well who was that.

There were only two people who lived in that house. Herr Kommandant and his maid, Helena.

Lisiek Pfefferberg, a thirteen-year-old shy boy, who looked after Goeth's horses in the stable, and Mila Dresner, a sad-eyed, half-Polish, half-German woman in her late fifties, who helped cleaning the house, lived in the concentration camp and they were allowed to stay in the villa only when their help was needed. There were days when Helena didn't meet Mila, and Lisiek spent most of his time around the horses.

Helena had just time to put on her cotton slip and panties when Amon Goeth reached the bottom of the staircase, with his shiny black boots creaking on the stone floor. He had left his uniform coat upstairs, and now he was wearing only a white shirt, with the top three buttons unbuttoned, and his black uniform trousers.

She was standing there, completely unable to move, like a frightened rabbit in front of the headlights. Her body was so tense, slightly shaking from fear and nervousness, that it hurt and she was annoyed as well when she felt her pieces of clothes glued to her wet skin exposing her curves to the cruel, searching blue eyes.

Herr Kommandant looked around in the cold basement chamber where about thirty bottles of wine, huge bags of vegetables, wood and coal were kept besides discarded pieces of furniture. The little windowpane was darkened by coal dust.

His eyes fixed Helena immediately as soon as he noticed her.

\- So this is where you come to hide from me. – he allowed a little smile on his face even though no one could see it as Helena was watching the floor rigidly. Amon couldn't be disturbed by silence, so he continued calmly. - I came to tell you that you really are a wonderful cook, and a well-trained servant. I mean it. If you need a reference after the war, I'd be happy to give you one.

Helena didn't dare to reply – she believed that she would be unable to utter a sound. Her throat was so dry and her lips felt glued together. She needed a few gulps of water but what she needed even more was being left alone.

\- It must get lonely down here, listening to everyone upstairs having such a good time. Does it? You can answer.

Amon was walking closer to her, not taking his eyes off her face. His voice sounded almost friendly, as if he had tried to make friends with her, but his eyes were shining just a little less colder than most of the times.

Helena remained silent, her fear kept on growing inside her stomach. She was painfully aware of her body and the cold air around her. Her feet were freezing on the stone floor and she wished she hadn't taken off her shoes. But now she couldn't worry about the lack of clothes. She knew well what a wrong answer could cause: punishment or instant death and she was sure that she could never satisfy Herr Kommandant and his always changing mood.

\- But what is the right answer? That's what you're thinking. – Amon chuckled a little as if he found the one-sided conversation amusing. - What does he want to hear?

At that moment he stopped in front of Helena and he was standing motionlessly. He could see the water drops sliding along her neck, avoiding her chest, and she was watching his boots trembling and waiting for his next sentence that could bring anything: something good but more possibly something bad. For a long moment there was a long silence between them, Helena even forgot to breathe.

\- The truth, Helena, is always the right answer. – Amon answered his own question on a deep voice.

He didn't move, he was just exploring her slim body with his hungry eyes. He had no exact intentions what to do with her now, he simply wanted to talk to her or at least to get a few words from her. Since he first met her, Helena said almost nothing to him, except greeting him in the morning and wishing him good night before going to bed. She replied to his commands only with a nod and she always avoided eye contact with him.

\- Yes, you're right. – Amon continued the non-existing conversation that made sense only in his head. - Sometimes we're both lonely. Yes. I mean, I would like, so much, to reach out and touch you in your loneliness.

For these last words, Helena felt as if someone had been trying to strangle her, pressing the air out of her lungs by a cruel grip. She started to shiver more and she was close to tears. She didn't want him to touch her, not even mentally, but especially not in a physical way. She was disgusted by his presence near her, she often felt sick when they were in the same room. It was pure fear and anxiety, such a terror that she had never experienced before. She felt the smell of death when he approached her.

\- What would that be like, I wonder? I mean, what would be wrong with that? – Amon was biting his bottom lip and began circling around Helena. He felt the scent of soap on her and something else: the smell of fear. He enjoyed knowing that she was scared of him terribly. He enjoyed his power while watching her trembling. - I realize that you're not a person in the strictest sense of the word. Maybe you're right about that too. You know, maybe what's wrong isn't – _it's not us_ – it's this...

Helena was sensing how the fear was freezing her whole body. The coldness of the room had nothing to do with it. His words and his way of pronouncing those rude words, they created fear. She knew that Amon would be about to explode very soon and she could do nothing against it. No matter how much he talked or how he talked: the end was almost always the same. He became angry and he knew only one method to get rid of his disappointment, anger and dissatisfaction.

\- No, you... you make a good point. You make a very good point... – Amon seemed to try to convince himself, talking slowly, kind of meditating. - When they compare you to vermin, rodents, lice, I just... – Amon stopped now and leant closer to Helena, staring at her with his searching, hungry eyes.

Their faces were so close that she could feel his warm breath burning her face and it made her stomach dance wilder. She could see his handsome facial features clearly even without looking at him. She had watched him so many times when he wasn't paying attention on her, when he was reading his papers, writing a report, talking to other people, riding his horse or walking in the house or in the camp. How cruel it is, she thought, to give a horrible monster such a physical beauty.

She prayed that she would not vomit, especially when she saw that Amon lifted up his hand. She was sure that he would slap her immediately and she was totally surprised when instead of hitting her, he touched her hair so tenderly that she could have never imagined he was able to.

His touch made her stomach turn up and she wanted to run away at once. She had to escape and disappear. But where could she run? He would shoot her at the next moment. She didn't have to look at his waist to check his holster, because she knew that he was always carrying a pistol with himself. No one would care if I died now, she thought, no one would notice, except Herr Schindler. But he is not here to save me, she added bitterly, and I couldn't expect him to save me. This is my monster, she thought with an unpleasant taste on her tongue, and I must fight him alone.

\- Is this the face of a rat? Are these the eyes of a rat? Hath not a Jew eyes?

Amon was caressing her face now, very slowly and tenderly, like a lover, as if he had wanted to enjoy every second. His rude words contradicted his delicate touches and the gentle tone of his voice. Those long fingers were brushing her skin so softly that Helena was scared more and more every second. She was terrified of his brutality, but she was much more terrified of his unknown tenderness. She had no idea what was going on. Was it a nasty game on her, before beating her half-dead? Was it something new he wanted to try on her?

\- I feel for you, Helena.

Amon was whispering it like a lover's confession when his fingertips reached her left breast and his palm covered it softly. Helena hated to feel that her nipple got hardened and her breathing became faster. He mustn't think that I am enjoying it, she thought desperately, I wish he would stop it now, or he should beat me up instead, even that would be better.

Amon lowered his head, his face was approaching hers, watching her more intensively. Desire was burning in his bright eyes and he felt the excitement and the longing to take her into his arms, to taste her lips and her soft skin. His breath on her flushed cheek and neck was getting hotter and quicker, and Helena was terrified of the idea that probably he was going to kiss her. At that very image her nausea became so strong now that she pressed her teeth tight, hoping that he wouldn't notice it and take it as a sign of disgust or resistance (as it actually was).

Suddenly Amon lifted his head and stepped one back. His face was like a lifeless mask again, his eyes became dead and empty.

\- No, I don't think so. – now his voice was icy cold and cruel, filled with hatred and disgust. - You're a Jewish bitch. You nearly talked me into it, didn't you? Didn't you? – he shouted the last two words and the next moment he slapped her face so hard that she fell against the wall.

The beating started again. She couldn't defend herself, she couldn't cry or whimper, she could do nothing, just praying for his cruelness to stop and for herself to survive. Amon was slapping, beating and kicking her as hard as he could, using his full physical power, until he was panting for breath wildly and she was nothing but a pitiful pile of nothing on the floor, shaking and bleeding. Sometimes she was already unconscious by the end of his attack, freed from the unbearable horror called life, but not that night.

Amon turned around, breathing heavily, still shaking with anger, steaming with perspiration all over his shirt, and finally left her. He ran upstairs and threw himself on his bed – sometimes he had rough sex with his actual girlfriend, who was waiting in his bedroom.

Helena was watching him leave behind her wet eyelashes. She felt such a huge hatred for him that scared her. She had never felt this way for anyone before. She wished she could kill him and the thought made her feel more than uncomfortable and sick.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter 3.

The next morning Helena felt that she was unable to move.

Her whole body hurt terribly and she felt like being run over by a train and torn into pieces. Death is the only choice, the only way to get freedom from this hell, she thought while trying to get up. She needed ten minutes to do that.

She was moaning bitterly, no matter how hard she tried not to, and her eyes filled with tears while pushing herself into a sitting, then into a standing position. It was almost a torture to put on her maid uniform: the long-sleeved black blouse, the knee-deep black skirt with the snow white apron and the old beige stockings. She had no mirror in the basement but she could imagine how ugly she could look. Her face was probably swollen a little, her left eye bloodshot, and there must have been several bruises and purple marks all over her body. One or two of her ribs might have been cracked because it gave her so much pain to breathe.

She limped to the kitchen slowly to prepare fresh coffee and some sandwiches for Herr Kommandant for breakfast, then she drank the left-over coffee from yesterday to wake herself up. She tried to eat a few bites of bread but she couldn't swallow any. She was listening wildly but no one entered the kitchen, no one called her. The silence in the villa was too loud. Thanks God, he must be sleeping still, she thought.

Suddenly the front door was opened and closed, someone was mumbling, and the sounds of heavy boots were echoing across the ground floor as they were walking into the living-room. He may have been in the camp for a morning check-up or gone out riding so early, she wondered and she put Amon's breakfast and the coffee set carefully on the tray. He didn't call her but she had no other choice but enter the living room and face him again. She lifted the tray clenching her teeth because her arms hurt even from such a light weight. She didn't want to make a sound, especially not in front of Herr Kommandant. She didn't want to give him the happiness to see and hear her cry of pain.

The door was left ajar and she felt deeply relieved when she saw that Amon was not alone: Oskar Schindler was sitting opposite him, both of them half-lying comfortably in the armchairs. Amon was wearing his uniform, Oskar one of his expensive dark grey suits.

\- Good morning, Helena. How are you? – Oskar smiled happily at the girl, trying not to show his shock as he noticed a red mark on her left cheek, her strikingly rigid movements and the grimace of pain on her pale face when she bent down and put the tray on the table.

Helena looked at him with an embarrassed smile. She loved Herr Schindler around in the house because he could produce a good effect on Herr Kommandant. She knew that he recognised her poor physical condition but just like him, she pretended to act as if nothing had happened.

\- Thank you, sir, for asking. I am fine.

She poured a cup of coffee to Schindler and gave it to him carefully.

\- Thank you, Helena. – Schindler said kindly.

She just accepted his words with a smile and a nod, then filled another cup with the hot drink and passed it to Herr Kommandant with even more care. She didn't want to look at him, but she didn't intend to be impolite either, that was why she chose to look at his chin instead. But when she caught sight of how fast he was breathing, she looked into his eyes unintentionally.

She was frozen immediately. His cold eyes, filled with hatred, were devouring her, and she could clearly feel his anger. She knew that he would have slapped her if they had been alone. She directed her eyes on the table quickly and was about to leave the room as soon as possible.

Amon swallowed hard.

\- Helena.

Helena stopped and stayed beside the table, waiting for his request. She plucked up courage and looked at him again to avoid being impolite. Those dead cold eyes and that weak smirk on his face made her tremble inside.

\- Thank you.

Helena felt like being poured with boiling water over. She remembered so clearly how hard and mercilessly he had beaten her last night and now he was acting like a gentleman. It was too much to tolerate and she found Amon's behaviour rather disgusting.

\- You are welcome, Herr Kommandant. – she replied softly and hurried out of the room.

Oskar Schindler saw everything. He saw Helena's bruises and her broken body, her fear and her behaviour towards her torturer. He also perceived how Amon looked at her, the desire and the madness burning in his eyes, and how he treated her in front of him and behind his back. Now he had difficulties to hide his distaste for Amon because he knew that he needed the help of the camp commandant and he didn't want to push more attention on Helena either.

\- I envy you so much, Amon. – he said with a little smile.

Amon drank a few sips of coffee, then put the cup on the table carefully. His eyes were resting on the door behind which Helena just disappeared.

\- Why?

Oskar's face wore a dreamlike expression.

\- You have the best maid, I am sure. She is so pretty, she is an amazing cook and a clever maid.

Amon smirked at him proudly.

\- I know, I have a good eye for that. When I first saw her, I knew that she would be the best choice for me.

\- Still there is something I don't understand. – Oskar added on a careful voice.

It seemed that Amon suspected nothing. His glance was glued to the door again, thinking of Helena's hazelnut brown eyes.

\- Hmm?

\- Why do you beat her? I cannot imagine that she makes such mistakes that would deserve such a punishment. It caused her pain even to lift that tray.

Amon woke up immediately out of his daydreaming. He narrowed his eyes while examining his friend and lit up a cigarette carelessly. He didn't like the direction the conversation was going to.

\- She is my servant. I do what I want.

\- Amon, please. It is so barbaric and you are much better than that. – Oskar tried a little laugh to soothe the tension.

However, Amon shook his head, then blew smoke into the air impatiently.

\- She is nothing but a Jew. She deserves a punishment simply because she is a Jew. A rat. A vermin. Something that must be stopped and demolished. – his words cracked quickly like a round of a machine gun.

Oskar realised that he entered a dangerous zone where he could do more damage than benefit. He decided to change the subject immediately. The unpleasant changes on Amon's pale face and in his voice disturbed him, and he didn't want to cause more trouble for Helena.

\- I know that you are in a difficult position. The responsibility of running a labour camp, especially in a foreign country, could be such a huge burden on anyone but especially on such a conscientious man like you. You take everything too seriously. You should take care of yourself better.

\- I am fine. I sleep enough, I eat well. – the reply came with a cold smirk.

I just wish I could sleep more, Amon thought, and I wish I had no dreams at all. No dreams that keep on torturing me.

Oskar nodded though he was not convinced of that.

\- I should sleep more anyway. But I have a lot to do too.

Amon laughed.

\- You mean your girlfriend? And your secretary? Do they give you enough tasks to accomplish?

Oskar laughed with him although he found the topic of his private affairs rather distasteful to be discussed.

Helena heard them laugh and she became a little calmer. If Herr Kommandant was in a cheerful mood and being in the company of Herr Schindler, it was always a good sign and it gave her hope that she would get away with a beating for that day.

She could enjoy a few peaceful hours while the two men were talking, then Oskar left for the factory. Amon spent three hours with some paperwork, riding his horse and supervising a construction at the hospital at the other end of the camp.

When he left the villa, Helena took the opportunity and went to the camp to visit her sister. It was only five minutes when they could meet and talk a few words while Anna was sweeping the floor in the camp kitchen, then Helena had to hurry back before their getting caught by Amon or a guard. She tried to call on her sister every second day and she didn't know whether Herr Kommandant would approve these short visits.

By quarter past one, when Helena had finished peeling potatoes and preparing the lunch, Amon returned to the villa. His handsome face was pale, showing tension and annoyance, and he seemed to have lost his high spirits.

\- Shit! I am fucking freezing! – he entered the hall with a loud curse, then he shouted at his dogs rudely to get out of his way.

Helena was just leaving the living-room after setting the table and letting fresh air in, and they met face to face. She stood at the threshold, being unable to move an inch, already filled with fear. Amon was wearing his peaked cap and his long black leather coat above his uniform that made him look even more frightening and merciless.

For her shock, Amon looked at her. Within a second, his cruel eyes seemed to have changed. They seemed to be less cold and as if they had expressed a kind of regret although she couldn't believe that. Herr Kommandant never showed any signs of regret or mercy.

\- I am sorry. Bring me some coffee and my lunch, please. – then he walked into his study quickly.

She was even more shocked. She had never heard Amon say such words like "I am sorry" and "please". What also astonished her was that he didn't push her aside to be able to enter the dining room, even though he expressed that he wanted to eat as soon as possible, but he went to his study instead and removed his cap and coat there.

The more time she had with Herr Kommandant together, the less she knew what he was like, what was going on in his head.

She went to the kitchen as quickly as she could and she served the lunch for Herr Kommandant, who was already sitting in the dining room when she entered with the tureen. He was staring at the table cloth and he didn't look at her. She was waiting three steps away from him while he was eating the hot chicken soup, then she brought in the cabbage rolls with steamed potatoes, fresh coffee and some brandy.

Amon ate with a good appetite and he didn't say a word to her until he finished his lunch, drank his coffee and lit a cigarette. Then he waved a little with his right hand, still without looking at Helena, muttered a soft "thank you" and disappeared in his study, leaving the brandy behind.

Helena cleared the table and her astonishment couldn't diminish. What could have happened to this man? Why was he acting suddenly like a gentleman, a human? Was it a cruel game on her again?

Even though she rarely dared to look into his eyes directly, she could notice how he always looked at her. She couldn't or didn't dare to interpret his emotions towards her that were hatred, disgust and anger most of the times, and rarely a gruesome form of tenderness and attraction.

When they first met, Amon's eyes seemed to glide through her disinterested, still he kept on looking back at her. When she didn't lift her hand up for his question which of the women, lined up in front of him, had any experience of keeping house, he noticed that. Without bothering about the thoughts of his subordinates, he expressed his wish to possess an inexperienced maid. She was sure that he wanted to choose her as soon as he caught a glimpse of her. That day she was brave enough to look into his eyes and she saw something. She saw that he was drawn to her.

What she couldn't understand was the reason why. Why did he choose me, she often asked herself, when I was not smarter, prettier or better than the other girls? He hated Jews so much, she thought, he wanted to vent his fury on each and every of us, but why did he choose me? She knew that she wasn't striking either in her physical appearance or in her behaviour because she was calm and not a rebel-type. He had no reason to expect her to fight with him or try to withstand. All she could think was that Herr Kommandant was a deeply frustrated, cruel man who needed a punch bag in his house. Maybe I remind him of someone in his past, she thought, someone he hated or someone who hurt him, and now I have to pay the bills of that someone.

The rest of the day passed without any incidents and Amon didn't visit Helena in the basement. In her bed, she was praying for Anna and Herr Schindler.


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter 4.

Weeks were passing and the weather became more pleasant. The fruit trees started to blossom and the wind brought the sweet scents of the flowers. Herr Schindler came more frequently and he never forgot to bring some delicious wine or brandy for Amon and a few encouraging words to Helena.

The prisoners of the camp were working in the quarry, in the factories and on the fields harder than before. Despite all the hardships and the brutality of the guards they had to endure every day, somehow they felt a little more optimistic because they managed to survive the coldest weather and the scarcest selection of food.

They could obtain water instead of being forced to suck on ice outside the barracks while they were freezing in the piercing wind. Finally they didn't have to suffer from the low temperature and they had a little more to eat because fruits and vegetables became more available – at least for those who had a little money and who dared to run the risk of having some extra food smuggled into the camp. However, the warmth brought flies and mosquitos as well, and the people inside the barbed-wire fence couldn't properly enjoy the late spring that turned into summer rather quickly.

Helena had a lot to do as well, the spring-cleaning made her and Mila busy for a whole week. They were cleaning and sweeping all the rooms thoroughly, washing all the windows, dusting every piece of furniture and paintings, while the young Lisiek was beating the dust out of the carpets, imagining it was Amon's face he was beating. He didn't share his fantasy with anyone, and he was smirking happily that day. He was aware of his own guilty pleasure that was why he did his best to avoid Herr Kommandant and when he had to take care of the horses and meet him, he kept his eyes on the shiny boots with more concentration than ever.

Helena liked working and being busy, and she loved especially that the lovely warm weather kept Amon outside for a longer period of time. He went out riding more often, he made checks on the camp three times a day, walking around with his huge dogs, Rolf and Ralf, or sitting on his horse riding around the campsite. He stayed inside the house only for doing paperwork, having his meals and receiving his guests in the evening.

It became obvious for Helena that Amon was getting more and more obsessed with her but at the same time this didn't stop him from beating her.

His obsession was the sickest kind. He didn't touch her since the dinner party, it seemed that his unusual tenderness was a sign of the remote past. He still punished her with slapping or thrashing at least three days a week. His distorted face, his mad cold eyes, his inarticulate shouting would have frightened everyone but he was careful enough not to beat her in front of others. Somehow he was ashamed of himself not being able to control himself. He preferred committing it in the basement, mostly after dinner, just like a repulsive ritual before going to bed. He just couldn't stop punishing her physically.

Helena was still trembling in his presence, at least her stomach was, but her fear was slowly diminishing and turning into another kind of obsession as she started to give up hope of survival and she was unable to care about anything after losing her sister.

It was the middle of June when one morning Lisiek plucked up the courage to enter the kitchen, pretending to ask for fresh water. Helena filled a glass for him while he was looking around cautiously and she was watching him drink with huge gulps. It made her smile a little. Lisiek hated being the messenger and being the one who would wipe that smile away, but when Helena put the glass on the counter, he had no time to waste. Herr Kommandant was making a phone call in his study and he could finish it anytime. Lisiek clenched his fists and told Helena quickly and short what had happened.

It was the final blow to her.

Her father had been shot during the liquidation of the Kraków Ghetto, her mother had died of pneumonia by the end of the first week at the camp and now she lost her only remaining relative, her beloved sister.

Anna died of typhus, after hiding her failing condition for almost two weeks. She didn't want anyone to know about it because she intended to avoid being shot as the guards treated the ill inmates this way sometimes. She was too fragile and as she received no treatment, the infection spread in her body like some kind of flood. She fell into coma the previous afternoon and by the next morning she was dead.

Helena couldn't cry at that moment and she managed to hide her sadness as she always did. In her family they expressed their happiness or their love for each other, but the girls were taught to conceal their problems and pain in front of everyone else except their close family members. Helena forced the usual weak smile on her face while talking to Lisiek and serving lunch for Herr Kommandant.

However, Amon had a sharp eye and he noticed something on her that he couldn't explain. There was another thing that he was unable to explain to himself: why did he care about her?

\- Helena.

She looked at him, patiently waiting for his request. Now she was totally indifferent, wondering if he had found some problems with the soup or with the second course.

\- Herr Kommandant?

She was in such a horrible mood that this time she could tolerate his glance without looking away. Amon's eyes expressed an unseen concern that surprised her. How funny, she thought, those blue eyes aren't shining so madly now.

Amon stood up, leaving the half-eaten food on the plate and stepped closer to her, without taking his eyes off her.

\- What's the problem?

Now Helena was getting terrified, she couldn't move and she tried to prepare herself for a slap. Amon seemed to be tense and it never meant a good sign when he tried to get closer to her.

\- There is no problem, Herr Kommandant. – her voice didn't tremble though she felt herself in danger.

Amon's voice sounded so soothing that it was particularly frightening for her.

\- Tell me. Maybe I can help you.

Helena shook her head only, meaning there was nothing to talk about. If she weren't so devastated about Anna's death, she would have laughed at the idea of Amon's helpfulness. But she was getting nervous and scared instead. She would have never shared her emotions or thoughts with such a Nazi monster who was responsible for Anna's death. He didn't shoot her personally as he had shot dozens of people, still it was his fault, it was his camp and his rules. If we shouldn't be in his damned camp, she thought, Anna would be still living, just like Mother and Father.

Amon was getting angry seeing her stubbornness.

\- Tell me. Or I promise I will shoot you right now and you can take your little secret into your grave.

That would be the best, she thought, but somehow she didn't dare to say it aloud. Why didn't she shout it into his face? Why didn't she dare to choose death when she had the option? She didn't know but something inside her heart commanded her to keep her mouth closed.

\- Herr Kommandant, I was told that my sister died. – she said, staring down at his boots and trying to hold her tears back.

Amon frowned and a flash of annoyance ran across his face. He put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath.

\- Who told you that?

Helena felt the danger getting closer again. She wished she had been able to control her face and to keep her secret.

\- Just someone down in the camp.

Amon looked through the window at the camp, then back at his maid. Outside it was getting dark and he could see only the searchlights and the outlines of the barracks. All those gossips among those damned Jews, he thought madly, they are always talking and talking, instead of doing their labour or simply dying.

\- Just someone. – he made a little pause. - Is that someone called Lisiek?

Helena looked at him now. Her big brown eyes were almost begging and they were shining as if she had been close to tears. Actually now she was. Don't hurt him, please, her eyes were whispering, hurt me instead.

\- Please, Herr Kommandant.

Amon enjoyed his power over her. She is scared, he thought, she is so scared like a rat in the trap, because she knows that I could crush her and all her damned Jewish friends within a second. Maybe I should do that, he wondered, and I could finally have a normal night's sleep. But this time it was enough for him to see her shaking from fear, to see her beautiful eyes filled with tears.

He hated when women cried in front of him and that sight made him even more apathetic towards people. But Helena was different. Her crying had another kind of impression on him. It didn't make him angry or disgusted but it had a rather disturbing effect on him. He wanted her to stop crying immediately. She has enough for today, he thought, looking deeply into her eyes, she lost someone important to her and she is already totally crushed. For today I will show some mercy, he made a sudden decision, surprising even himself.

\- That is all right. Go.

Helena didn't move. She thought she must have heard his words wrong, therefore she didn't dare to leave.

Amon was angry and the tension in his body was almost palpable.

\- I said go. Don't make me repeat it again.

Helena hurried out of the room, into the kitchen, where she threw herself on the chair and buried her face into her hands. She was now too scared to cry. Why did he let her go, without any punishment? What would he do with Lisiek? She wished she had been able to conceal the sad news from him.

About quarter an hour later suddenly she heard steps approaching the kitchen, then before she could jump up, Lisiek appeared at the door, looking so shy.

\- Lisiek. Are you looking for something? – she smiled at the boy.

He seemed to be confused.

\- I don't know. – he confessed on an unsure voice. - Herr Kommandant told me to come here and ask you if I could help you with something. He told me that he hates malingerers and that you always have a lot to do.

Helena didn't understand it. Amon never sent anyone but Mila to help her. Lisiek almost never entered the villa. Why did he send the boy to her now? How come he hadn't punished him? (Because it became obvious that Lisiek wasn't even told off, not mentioning any physical punishment.) She had a strange idea that Amon might have sent the boy to comfort her, to give her the possibility to share her mourning with someone similar to her? The idea seemed to be so unbelievably unrealistic and ridiculous that she could laugh. Amon the Good? Amon the Sympathetic? Was she dreaming?

She kept the boy in the kitchen, because she didn't want to disobey Amon's orders now. She didn't share her sadness with him, but they were talking about their days, then discussing the books Lisiek had read at school while he was given some mashed potatoes and a few biscuits. She couldn't eat anything but at least she could keep her tears back. That little conversation did good to her and at the bottom of her heart, she was a little grateful for Herr Kommandant, though she still hated him with every drop of her blood.

Two hours later Amon shouted Lisiek's name and commanded him to take out his lunch tray. He doesn't want to see me, Helena wondered, though it doesn't make any sense because he must see me at dinner time. Lisiek hurried back with the tray, revealing that Herr Kommandant was in a terrible mood. They heard him leave the villa, shouting at his dogs to join him. Helena didn't want to know what he had done in the camp while he was away, and Lisiek didn't tell her that he was told that night that Amon had shot three people in Anna's barrack and sent the others to clean the whole building with hot water and disinfectant.

During the dinner Helena felt Amon's eyes on herself. She felt something peculiar on him. He didn't say anything but a simple thank you after he finished eating, then he left. He didn't visit her in the basement that night and he didn't call her. He was silent, he didn't make any noise in his bedroom and when his girlfriend called her on the phone, he told her to leave him alone and forbade her to enter the camp until he commanded that.

The next day didn't bring Helena the disappointment and surprise of the previous day. During the breakfast Amon made nasty remarks on her coffee, standing half-naked on the balcony, holding his double-barrelled gun in his right hand, then he shot two inmates while Helena was trying to take the coffee tray back to the kitchen without dropping it. She could hear him swearing about "bloody rotten Jews" before she could escape behind the door. After dinner Amon didn't allow her to clear the table – he beat her up there, pushing her over the remains of the chicken and the bottle of brandy with a huge slap on her face.

Amon the Good didn't exist anymore, she thought bitterly, possibly he never existed at all. But at least she received again what she had been used to and she didn't have to worry about the strange behaviour of Herr Kommandant.

Living in constant fear made Helena insensible and indifferent. Her hatred towards Amon was growing bigger each day and sometimes she had even difficulties to hide it. More and more often she fancied confronting and opposing him to provoke him to shoot her and end her suffering.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter 5.

That year the summer was long and hot. First the people in the camp were happy with the warm weather. They enjoyed the warmth of the sun, the scent of flowers instead of the foul-smelling wet and dirty clothes. Now they could like that the windows of the barrack were always open and only fresh air could enter, not that bone-cracking cold.

Then soon they learnt to hate it. It became too hot suddenly, they couldn't breathe outside during working under the sky or inside the barracks that had windows but no fresh air could get inside. They sweated a lot and their ragged clothes became wet again. After going to bed, pieces of clothes were spread all over the barracks to become dry hopefully for the next morning.

Not only the inmates of the camp, but the guards and Amon himself hated summer, even though they owned a better kind of accommodation, they could always have a glass of icy cold drink and they had nothing to do but standing in the shadows if they wanted to. Their prisoners in the quarry were never allowed to find some rest or a little shadow when they felt dizzy or when they got a touch of sunstroke. Amon and many guards shot some of those inmates who fainted and it made the others compose themselves and remain conscious. Those who were about to fall apart were helped by their neighbours.

By the autumn came, Amon became even more merciless than ever. On a Monday morning he ordered the shooting of every second member of a large group because a young boy had managed to escape. It didn't matter that he was caught an hour later hiding near the quarry – and shot immediately by Amon who rode there. Two days later he shot every fifth member of a group because one of the men hadn't returned to the camp after working in the downtown of Kraków.

Amon Leopold Goeth had earned such a reputation that reached every little corner where he went. Helena could hear the stories about him, from Lisiek and Mila, and from the guests who enjoyed Amon's parties and enjoyed talking about him – both in front of him and behind his back. When Amon left the company to use the bathroom, settle an urgent camp affair or to make a phone call, sometimes Helena heard his guests tell each other little pieces of information about him. It seemed that not even his German friends liked him.

Amon came from a wealthy Catholic family, which owned a flourishing publishing house, but he chose to follow his radical right-wing ideas instead of carrying on the family business. Since 1925 he had been working hard to get higher at the Austrian Nazi hierarchy, then his star was rising in Germany as well. He was promoted to SS Oberscharführer in early 1941, then to SS Untersturmführer a few months later, while also being a member of the Wehrmacht. He made a name for himself in Lublin, then by working for the Operation Reinhard that aimed at the extermination of Poland's Jews in the camps of Bełżec, Sobibór, and Treblinka. In 1943 he was assigned to the SS Totenkopfverbände to oversee the concentration camp Kraków-Płaszów.

That autumn Amon became especially busy, because he was commanded to liquidate the concentration camp in Szebnie and the ghetto at Tarnów – no matter what a cruel monster he was, this time he felt overburdened with these new tasks.

Every morning he got up at six, drove out of the camp and returned back only late night. (To serve him as best as possible, Helena was ordered to get up an hour earlier than him and she could go to bed only an hour after he disappeared in his bedroom. She didn't mind it because she could be free from him and his torture the whole day.) He couldn't eat properly, he hardly touched his favourite dishes, while he drank and he smoked twice as much as he did before. His insomnia became worse than ever, he couldn't sleep more than two hours a day. He was always exhausted, irritable and mad. He was dead tired but he couldn't fall asleep, he was hungry for blood, but nothing was enough for him and he had to drown his dissatisfaction into alcohol.

Helena could clearly see that Herr Kommandant was going to lose his mind. He was like a delayed-action bomb, full of tension and mad hatred towards every Jew who walked that world. He was crazier than ever and even though his beating Helena wasn't more frequent than earlier, it became longer. When he got tired, he sat down and was staring at her with bloodshot eyes, panting wildly until he became strong enough to continue the torture. That was when she decided to violate his rule and commit a suicide.

One evening, in the middle of the month, after serving the dinner to Amon and ignoring his sharp remarks about the roast turkey that tasted like medicine for him, she left for the kitchen as if she had left something there – but instead of returning to the dining room, she left the villa. She was surprisingly calm, she wasn't afraid of Amon or death anymore.

It was dark outside, about eleven o'clock, but she knew well where to walk towards Wielitzerstrasse. She saw the path every time when she opened the windows to air the guest room. It was laid behind the house and it led into the city. Behind and inside the fence there was complete silence, the prisoners were sleeping or talking as softly as possible, while the guards were walking their own routes or waiting at their posts. From one of the houses, built for officers with a higher rank, a tune of classical music was heard, probably from the radio. It is so peaceful, Helena thought, and it will change soon.

She had to walk only a hundred meters and she was sure that she would never reach it because she had to walk in front of three watchtowers, filled with at least two armed guards and a searchlight, which surrounded the area in the form of a triangle behind the villa. She wondered who would shoot her first – Herr Kommandant or a guard? When would he discover her disappearance? Was he already raging? Even if she could have passed the guards safe, the barbed-wire fence would have never allowed her to go through.

As she suspected, she was only halfway between the villa and the fence when she heard a loud shout.

\- Stop, you there! Don't move!

The German words were followed by metallic noise, stamping of feet and the sound of rustling of clothes.

Two tall, slender men in uniform were running towards her from the watchtower opposite her, with their pistol being aimed at her. They were cursing in German, panting. Their pale face looked rather surprised because they didn't expect to find anyone trying to pass the small field. No one would be so stupid to try to escape this way, one of them thought, but maybe this girl wants to die? If I were her, he added, I would try because no one would like to live here, this is the hell, hell for Jews.

Helena was smiling. I will be safe in a minute, she thought, they will shoot me right now, one bullet is perfectly enough, and hopefully it will be fatal for me. How much they hate me, she could have giggled, while I love them with all my heart because they will bring me the freedom I desire.

The guards stopped a few meters from her, cursing, the older one calling her "filthy Jewish bitch" and other disgusting names, aiming at her. Don't talk, Helena thought, please don't waste my time, just shoot, and let it be finished. She didn't understand why they didn't shoot now because she could have seen many times how Amon and the guards shot people without hesitation, only for such reasons like those prisoners were too slow or they dared to pull faces (or at least the murdered thought so).

At that moment a familiar shout was heard. She knew who it was because she had heard that shouting so many times, every single day.

\- Don't touch her!

It was Amon's voice.

Helena got frozen for a second. She hoped that she recognised his voice wrong, but she knew that she wasn't mistaken.

Now she got extremely scared because she felt that things wouldn't happen the way she had planned during the last few days. She tried to keep her temper even though everything seemed to fall apart. What if he doesn't shoot me, she thought trembling, as he enjoys torturing me and seeing me suffer. All she could do was hoping that Amon became so terribly mad that he would shoot her immediately as he had already done so many times. That was her only chance – otherwise she could return to her suffering or to something worse.

The guards were saluting.

\- Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Amon stopped beside Helena. She didn't dare to look at him but she felt that he was staring at her with hate. His fast breathing also revealed his anger – he must have been running and he was foaming with rage. Even the double-barrelled gun in his hand was trembling.

\- Okay. Leave. – Amon didn't even waste a glance at the guards.

\- Herr Kommandant? – one of the men asked carefully. Seeing Amon's crazy facial expression, all he wanted was to disappear but he was afraid of mishearing his order and then facing his anger and the punishment. He could shoot me too, he thought, just as he shoots the Jews.

Now Amon looked at the men, his ice cold eyes bulging out like a madman.

\- I said leave, you motherfuckers. – he didn't shout now, but his voice was filled with enough hatred to make anyone run away. The guards hurried back to their safe watchtower and they dared to discuss the event only when they were up at their post.

\- You come with me. – Amon grabbed Helena's arm rudely and started to drag her back to the villa. Helena obeyed and looked at him cautiously. He didn't say anything more but the continuously growing anger was clearly seen on his face and in his movements.

There is a huge possibility that he will shoot me, she thought, though I don't understand why he didn't do that in front of the guards, when he loves if everyone can see his crimes. Then she realised that he never punished her in front of others – God knows why.

When they entered the house and Amon slammed the door with his foot, he pushed the trembling Helena on the stone floor. She fell flat but at the next moment she dragged herself into the closest corner. She had no idea why she did it – it came from pure instinct.

\- What the hell was in your mind? Really? Escaping from here? – he was shouting so hard that the colour of his face became red. - Are you mental? Did you think that I wouldn't notice it?

Helena pulled her knees to her chest and she didn't reply.

\- I called you and when you didn't come, I knew that something happened. You are too predictable.

He didn't tell her that when she didn't answer his call, he suspected that she wanted to commit something to annoy him. He didn't even look for her in the kitchen or in the basement because he was sure that she wouldn't dare to hide there before his going to bed. He felt that she wanted to try to escape and no matter how hopeless it was to escape, the shortest way out of the camp was towards Wielitzerstrasse. He ran there breathlessly, with his gun in his right hand.

Now he pushed the gun onto the small round table under the hat-rack, then he leaned over her. His face was distorted by anger.

\- You stupid bitch, you almost made yourself get killed! What if I hadn't arrived in time? What if that guard would have shot you before I had got there?

Helena didn't understand his behaviour and looked at him with pure surprise on her face.

\- Why don't you kill me?

Amon was gasping. He didn't recognise the always silent and obedient Helena now. Even though she was curling up on the floor, he saw a rebel now. She dared to try to escape from his house, she dared to speak and even make questions, he thought, what had happened to her?

\- What did you say? – he hissed. - How dare you…?

Helena was making difficulties.

\- Why don't you kill me? You always kill those who try to escape. – she explained it and her voice didn't even tremble a bit. She could surprise even herself. This time she felt she had nothing to lose anymore.

Amon was staring at her shocked. Actually he was too shocked to slap her for her audacity, that was why he was unable to move. When he could breathe and speak again, his mask of cruelness seemed to peel off.

\- Do you want to die?

Helena shrugged her shoulder and at the next moment she was scared of herself when she declared her thoughts loudly.

\- Why should I live? I have no one now.

Amon felt like choking and his heart was beating so quickly that he felt he was about to faint. He wanted to shout at her for her words but he was ashamed of himself for having those feelings for her. Now he had to face himself and his repressed emotions towards her – that in spite of being a Jewess, Helena meant something to him. But he still fought. He shook his head as if he could have shaken off these thoughts and feelings, then the mask returned. He narrowed his cold eyes and looked at her, hissing bitterly:

\- You are not allowed to leave me. Never.

You sick bastard, Helena thought with more bitterness, you didn't let me go and die, but one of us must die, so it will be you who will die. I will kill you, I don't know how and when, but I will, I promise. She became so angry with him that she seemed to forget that an hour earlier she had wanted to die.


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter 6.

An hour later Helena was lying in her bed. Untouched. She was unable to sleep though she was staring at the ceiling, feeling completely exhausted both mentally and physically.

Her desire for death didn't ease much, but her thoughts now found another, more disturbing topic to rack her brains on.

Amon. Who didn't kill her for breaking his rule. Who didn't kill her for answering back. Who didn't even slap or beat her up after dragging her back into the house. She simply couldn't understand this man anymore. She had expected him to shoot her immediately as soon as he discovered that she had tried to escape as it was his usual way to deal with fugitives. But this time he did contradict himself.

Why didn't he spare her life when he hated Jews so deeply and therefore he hated her too? Why didn't he beat her up after committing a crime in his brutally controlled empire, when he had beaten her up so many times for nothing?

She didn't understand this man and now her hatred towards him was growing bigger as she was thinking of him. Maybe he is planning something more horrible for me, she thought, something that would give me even more pain. But what could it be? I have no one left alive, I have been beaten by him so many times. Then she felt an ice cold hand grab her heart when she realised that there was something he had never done before: sex. Rape, actually. He had tried to get closer to her physically only once, and he had been able to see how terrified she had become. She was trembling even now, recalling the memories of that night and thinking of the possibility of his trying that again. I will fight, she decided immediately, I won't tolerate anything anymore and hopefully this time he would shoot me.

She fell asleep without noticing it. Her head was so full of thoughts, that the next morning she woke up with a serious headache.

Another surprise was waiting for her. Amon didn't slap her and didn't try to rape her – not that day, not the following days. He spoke little to her and even though he was annoyed or bad-tempered sometimes, he didn't vent his fury on her. She was completely shocked and she tried to stay away from him and being invisible in the house as often as possible. She didn't trust him at all and she wanted to avoid being there when the change of his mood would happen.

By December everything seemed to calm down and Amon had only one task: direct the concentration camp Kraków-Płaszów. The inmates could notice no changes in his behaviour towards them because he remained cold and cruel, although actually he spent less time on punishment. Sometimes he listened to the reports while a group of Jewish workers or women were standing in front of him, like a shivering bundle of old rags but he seemed to hear nothing and he was looking at Hujowa Górka without actually seeing it. He was lost in his thoughts.

Meanwhile he became busy with some private matters.

Helena was standing in front of the front door, just breathing some fresh air and took over a letter from the guard who brought the post. She wasn't interested in Amon's private life at all but she couldn't help but notice that the letter came from a lawyer. It must have been urgent that was why she went to Amon's study immediately and knocked on the door. He might have been reading some reports or drowsing (his insomnia didn't disappear) but seeing the title of the sender, she knew that it must have been important.

\- Come in, Helena.

His voice sounded calm and soft, but still Helena was scared. She knew very well how Amon was able to transform within a second. One moment he was sitting on the balcony, sipping his coffee peacefully, with an indifferent glance in his eyes, then the next minute he was shooting innocent inmates, cursing wildly, with his eyes spitting fire of hatred and madness.

She entered slowly and went to Amon, as carefully as she had been walking on eggs. He was sitting behind his desk, wearing only a white shirt and trousers, with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was reading some reports and he looked up only when she was standing next to him.

Amon just laughed cheerfully when he took the letter away from her and looked at the envelope.

\- You don't know but I have been married twice. My present wife seems to have got bored with our marriage.

Helena couldn't help herself and a word slipped through her lips.

\- Twice?

She couldn't believe that there were two women in this world who loved and got married with this monster. She knew that some people could marry without love but she guessed that his wives and his lovers must have found something attractive in him, at least in a physical sense. Even though she considered him as one of the cruellest and most horrible people she had ever met, she had to admit that he was handsome. But a good-looking face is not enough for a marriage, she thought, when the core is completely rotten.

Amon was playing with the envelope between his long fingers while staring at her, with a strange smile on his face.

\- My first marriage lasted only for a few months. Olga was too young. So was I, only twenty-six. When I married Anna four years later, it was real love. She could really fascinate me. We have three children. – his glance became full of sorrow. – My eldest, Peter would be almost five now. He died of diphtheria as a baby. – suddenly he shook his head as if he had realised that he had said too much. – Never mind. This marriage ends now. My wife sued for a divorce. I must agree with her. The love between us had gone and I am busy with my job.

Helena was watching the floor, filled with nervousness. Why is he talking to me about his private life, she thought, as if we were friends? She was not interested either in him, or in his life. She didn't want to know anything about him. He was a monster, the Butcher of Płaszów and that was enough to know about him.

She didn't reply and Amon noticed her fear. For his own surprise, not mentioning hers, he let her go.

\- You can leave, Helena. Anyway, I will have dinner out tonight, so you don't have to wait for me.

Helena nodded and left.

It was a huge relief for her because she wanted to be out of the dining room as soon as possible. Now she and Amon had something in common that could have given them something to reflect on: his confidential and calm behaviour. Neither of them could understand what could have happened to him. Helena, however, spent only a few minutes on the topic because she was sure that it was one of his strange games on her and she couldn't think of the future calmly.

Amon, on the contrary, thought about it even less. He wrote a few letters, then went to the balcony, laid down on his deck chair and read a thick book of history until he had to leave for the restaurant. He met Helena only the next morning. She found it really strange but she was happy for her undisturbed night.

Two days later Oskar Schindler and two other factory owners joined Amon for lunch and Schindler managed to visit Helena in the kitchen, where she was preparing coffee for the guests. He didn't waste much time and after asking about her state of health, he told her about his newest plan.

\- You know, I would like to organise a party for Amon. He will celebrate his thirty-fifth birthday on 11th. It doesn't have to be a big party, just a few friends and ladies, but I would like you to help me.

Helena was surprised. She was used to his faultless manners but she didn't expect him to draw her into his schemes. It sounded as if they had been equals – however, to tell the truth, he always treated her as a lady, and not as a slave.

\- Help you, Herr Schindler? – she looked at him with curious eyes.

If there was a man, who never needed any help from other people because he could arrange everything that was Oskar Schindler.

Oskar was smiling at her, his eyes were bright with mischief.

\- Please, Helena, help me. Bake a Sachertorte for him.

Helena couldn't reply. Shall I bake a birthday cake for this monster, she thought, what a shame. She didn't want to do it but she also didn't want to disappoint Herr Schindler and to deny his polite request.

\- Could you help me, please? – Oskar repeated.

Of course, I would do anything for Herr Schindler, she thought. She nodded with a little shy smile.

\- Yes, Herr Schindler.

Oskar sighed happily and put his arms around Helena, pulling her to his wide chest for a long moment.

\- You are my angel, thank you so much. Just tell me, what ingredients you want for the cake and I will get them to you.

Helena mentioned only some chocolate and apricot jam, those were the only things that Herr Kommandant didn't need in his pantry because he didn't really have a sweet tooth. The next morning a blond-haired, muscular young man came with the needed ingredients and a box of champagne.

The birthday party was a success and Amon was in a cheerful mood all night long, especially when he was surprised by the Sachertorte that was an Austrian speciality. It was clearly seen on his face that he was really flattered by such a thoughtfulness. He seized the opportunity and ordered the famous Polish concert pianist, Natalia Karp to play on his party.

The thirty-two-year-old Karp was sent to the camp a few days ago when her husband died in a bomb raid. She played Chopin's Nocturne in C-sharp minor and her beautiful play impressed Amon so deeply that he spared her and her sister's life.

The company consisted of less than thirty people, ten of them were Polish prostitutes and Amon's actual girlfriend, Ruth Irene Kalder, nicknamed Majola, was also there again. They were partying till three o' clock in the morning, drinking, flirting, dancing and singing, as if there had been no war and as if they hadn't been celebrating inside the walls of a concentration camp, filled with hungry, sick and frightened people, preparing their soul for death every moment.

Helena was sitting in the kitchen, she drank some coffee to be able to stay awake and keep pace with the happy company. She often sneaked into the living room to see if there was anything she could bring in or take out, if any of the guests needed something, but she didn't stay inside long – especially when she caught Amon's eyes on herself after he blew out the candles and the birthday cake was cut by Oskar and Majola. The hungry way he was looking at her reminded her of the night when he had come to the basement and poured his heart out to her – before beating her up hald-dead. She ran out of the room trembling and praying that Amon would not come after her. He didn't but she was unable to calm down.

Of course Oskar Schindler took the opportunity to express his gratitude to her and brought her a little gift: a bar of Belgian chocolate that must have cost a fortune. Helena didn't dare to accept it, but Oskar persuaded her somehow and slipped the chocolate into the pocket of her apron.

\- Just hide it, quickly, and eat it when you can. You must stay strong.

Helena was looking at his shiny black shoes.

\- Thank you, Herr Schindler, for your kind care, but Herr Kommandant gives me enough food to eat.

\- Oh, I am sure about that. – Oskar replied with a small grin, then left.

Helena also left the kitchen, to hurry down to the basement and to hide the delicious chocolate under her bed, into her other pair of shoes.

After all the guests left the villa, even Majola, who didn't want to go, even though Amon expressed his wish clearly that he didn't want her to stay with him. Schindler saved the situation by offering her a ride in his new car and a glass of champagne in a lovely bar he knew well. Amon didn't even care about Oskar's flirting with her. He didn't care about her anymore, he had to admit, because he had found someone new. The thought of falling for a Jewish girl scared him a little but that night he didn't care about anything, not mentioning the consequences of his acts. They could kill me, he thought, as I am a fucking Jew-lover, but who the fuck cares?

Helena was waiting impatiently and nervously, wondering if Amon was about to go to bed immediately or have other plans. When she heard his footsteps approaching the kitchen, she started to tremble and she needed all her power to stay calm.

When Amon opened the door, he looked really drunk, and his lips curled into a little smile that seemed to have lost the sense of mockery of cruelness that it always had.

\- Here you are. I thought you had already gone to bed.

Helena was shocked a little, because of his rarely seen smile and his assumption. She looked into his eyes while replying:

\- I am your maid, Herr Kommandant. I will go to bed only after you have returned to your bedroom.

She was shaking from fear a little but she decided to pretend to be stronger than before.

Amon was satisfied with the answer.

\- Hmm, right. – he nodded while not taking his eyes off her. His glance was full of kindness, for her surprise, and even his smile looked shockingly lovely. – Well, I don't want to disturb you or to keep you up any longer. I just wanted to say thank you for the cake. It was amazing and really delicious. Thank you, Helena. And good night. – for a moment he moved forward as if he had wanted to take a step towards her, but then suddenly he turned around and left quickly. Three minutes later he closed the door of his bedroom behind himself.

Helena sat down on the nearest chair, feeling dizzy, sick and completely exhausted. Did he really thank her? Did he really wish her good night? Did he even smile at her? Was he dying or what had happened to him?


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter 7.

Since Helena's attempted escape and his birthday party, something seemed to have changed in Amon. First he didn't want to deal with it or admit it, but those thoughts kept on disturbing him all the time, especially at night, when he was tossing about in his bed sleeplessly.

He was the same merciless commandant as always, he didn't give up his favourite habit of punishing everyone without delay or hesitation who dared to resist his decision or if he was annoyed by someone looking at him in an irritable way or not working hard or fast enough. However, it also happened, although rather rarely, that he ignored the situation as if his thoughts had been somewhere else – in the kitchen or in the basement around a young fragile girl, who suddenly dared to break his rules and to defy him.

Amon knew exactly that he would have shot everyone else immediately for trying to escape as he had always done. He realised that Helena meant something to him and that was why other rules were applied to her. The more he was thinking about it, the more he realised that he had beaten her up so many times because deep inside he was unable to cope with the fact that she was a Jew and that he couldn't hate her as he hated all the other Jews. It still bothered him every single day and when it was almost unbearable, that was when he turned to mindless violence.

He broke up with Majola on the phone and he stopped attending parties or drinking nights. Sometimes he met Oskar in the study but most of the times he hid inside the house reading or thinking, or he went out riding alone.

Another event may have helped him clear his mind. It happened three days after the birthday party.

Amon left the camp after lunch and drove to Kraków, because he had to make a detailed report for the governor general. He let Helena and Untersturmführer Jäger know that he would spend the evening in the downtown and come back not before eleven o'clock. His original plan was to meet some people, have a drink or two and listen to some music as an attempt to relax a little. He liked the atmosphere of the intimate little bar in Krowodrza which Oskar Schindler had told him about, but after a glass of vodka, he felt a sudden urge to return to his villa. He could have never explained that feeling to himself. He never believed in omens and signs, but that peculiar sensation, as if someone had been clamping his stomach – it was something he was unable to ignore.

After leaving the car in the garage, he entered the house carefully, though in a hurry. He wanted to get to the bottom of that feeling as soon as possible – patience never belonged to his virtues, especially not when he was angry, annoyed or nervous.

He wondered what Helena was doing. He found it rather strange that all the rooms on the ground floor was empty, even though a bowl of potato soup was boiling on the cooker unattended and the lights were on. He felt that something was wrong because Helena, an amazing and conscientious cook, would have never left the cooker turned on alone.

Suddenly he noticed some noise from the basement. It sounded as if some pieces of furniture had been being pushed on the floor, then some muffled voices was heard. Was Helena tidying up while the dinner was cooking? He couldn't believe that. Furthermore there was no movable furniture there except her bed – the discarded cupboards and tables were arranged in one of the corners, to be out of his way. Then he felt that disturbing feeling again, both in his stomach and in his throat. Something was wrong.

\- Helena… - Amon whispered and started to run to the landing, then down the stairs. He jumped over the last four steps and reached the ground with a loud stamping. He was looking for Helena and what he saw made him explode.

Helena was lying on her bed, moaning and squirming desperately, trying to escape, with her skirt pulled up to her waist, exposing her thin white thighs and legs, while Untersturmführer Jäger was lying on her, doing his best to pin her down with his muscular body. He stopped her mouth with his left hand, while he was pulling her blouse aside, kissing her neck hungrily.

\- What the hell are you doing here? – Amon shouted madly. He was filled with hate, anger and the desire to kill. The skin was stretching on his face, his lips became white and thinner. He looked taller and full of energy, ready to jump and destroy.

Someone was touching his own possession, staining her with his dirty hands and mouth, breaking the law (that forbade any relationships or sexual intercourses between an Aryan and a Jewish) and breaking Amon's own rule as that girl belonged to him, and to him only. At that moment Amon didn't even realise that actually he would have broken the same law if he had dared to give himself up to his own desires for Helena. He couldn't see nothing but his possession being touched and tainted. Her feelings, her fear and her pain didn't matter to him.

Untersturmführer Jäger jumped up, his face became dead pale. He didn't expect Amon to return earlier and he was so sure that he could commit comfortably what he had planned before and now he stood there helpless.

\- Herr Ko…

But he couldn't finish it, because Amon pulled out his pistol and shot him in the face. The bullet hit him between the eyes and the man died immediately. Amon shot into the dead's groin, then he went to the bed, and looked down at Helena.

His body was still shaking slightly but his face remained expressionless and cold, just like an inanimate papier-mâchè mask – just like after every killing he had committed. He slipped his pistol back into the holster, moving like a robot. His blue eyes were the most frightening because they had never seemed so dead before.

Helena was trembling wildly, being unable to move and she was about to faint. She was scared of his attacker, but now she was scared of Amon. She felt so sick and she hoped that she wouldn't vomit, especially not at his stylish uniform. She was looking at him with a blurred expression on her face but she didn't appear to see him. All she knew that someone tried to rape her and then suddenly Herr Kommandant came and saved her by executing that man in cold blood without thinking.

\- Helena! - Amon slapped her face softly, to wake her up.

Helena pulled herself into the corner of her bed, shaking, looking at Amon with wild eyes, without saying anything. He looked back at her, also trembling, but in his case it was pure rage.

How did that filthy pig dare to touch her, he thought, I shouldn't have shot him, I should have tortured him all night long! She is my own possession, he demanded, and if I cannot touch her, no one else will. He couldn't think straight and he didn't realise that it was the first time when he considered a German as "filthy" – and not a Jew.

He was standing above Helena, watching her and he felt something strange. He felt the desire to protect her, to take her into his arms, to take her somewhere else where she could be safe from everything and everyone. It must be stopped, he thought with a growing anger, she is a Jew, after all, she deserves her fate, it is written and she cannot help it. However, deep inside, for the first time, he didn't agree with all those principles that had been held so dear to him for many years.

Suddenly he noticed that Helena was staring at the dead body, with her mouth open in terror. He realised that he had to get rid of Untersturmführer Jäger.

\- Helena. Look at me. – Amon leaned closer to her and cupped her chin to make her look into his eyes. – Are you listening to me?

She nodded, her eyes were filled with shock and pain. She was unable to speak and it was a wonder for her that she could breathe at all.

\- I am going to take out the garbage and then I will return to you. Close your eyes and calm down. It is over now. Do you understand me?

She nodded again, though Amon wondered if she really heard and understood his words. But he didn't have more time to waste.

Amon picked up the body, threw it on his shoulder (with such a loud moan that Helena curled into even a smaller ball and tears rolled down along her pale cheeks) and walked up the stairs with difficult steps. Untersturmführer Jäger was heavy enough but he managed to carry his body up the downstairs, then out of the house, because he wanted the corpse to be as far from his villa as possible. He threw it on the ground, in front of the door, then looked around. Luckily he saw Untersturmführer Schäfer walking towards the quarry and he called his name.

The well-built young man ran to him immediately.

\- Herr Kommandant? – he saluted.

\- Take this asshole to Hujowa Górka. You can use the jeep. – Amon issued his order so easily as if he had ordered a cup of coffee.

Untersturmführer Schäfer didn't bat an eyelid.

\- Jawohl.

\- But first send a doctor into my villa. Tell him to bring some tranquillizer. And send Mila Dresner, too.

\- Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Amon didn't even wait until Untersturmführer Schäfer saluted and picked up the corpse. He turned around and hurried back to the villa, into the basement.

Helena didn't seem to have moved an inch since he left. Her eyes were closed and she was still shivering. She didn't care about adjusting her clothes, therefore her torn blouse was still exposing her left shoulder and her skirt was creased around her hips, showing that her panties were intact.

When she felt that Amon returned, she opened her eyes and he could see the same terrible pain in them. He sat down on the bed but he didn't touch her.

\- Don't worry. It is over. The doctor arrives soon and you will be all right. – he spoke to her softly.

While he was talking to her, he was examining her. He was shaking from anger and the only thing that calmed him down a little that he could see that she wasn't raped. Knowing that someone had touched and kissed her, it could almost blow him up. She is mine, he thought, no one is allowed to touch her.

The desire to touch her now, to put his arms around her, was so painful but this time he felt that he would be unable to cause her more pain. He knew that she didn't want to be touched and she was unable to calm down. She had been beaten up so many times but the possibility and the attempt of being raped was too much for her, those meant a much bigger burden on her. All he did was to wrap a blanket around her shivering body. She didn't say a word and she didn't even look at him again, she just tightened her cold fingers on the rims of the blanket.

When the doctor came in five minutes, he examined Helena and gave her two shots of tranquillizer, then he assured Amon that the girl would be better within a few days. Mila arrived too, she washed the blood from the floor and prepared a kettle of fresh tea, then she was ordered to stay beside Helena.

The following day Helena had to spend in her bed because Amon forbade her to get up. Mila did the household chores and she also took care of Helena.

Amon spent the day in his study and in the camp, supervising his empire, arranging the usual issues and appointing his new deputy in place of Untersturmführer Jäger. Everyone inside the concentration camp knew now what had happened to the man who had tried to rape Helena. His fate was discussed both in the barracks and in the official residences but no one dared to talk about it with Amon or simply to mention it. He was being watched with more fear and less hope that he would ever be able to show some mercy. The name of Untersturmführer Jäger was forgotten quickly, but not his act.

Amon also found time to visit Helena three times during the day, without talking to her. He was just standing in front of her bed for a few minutes, after sending Mila away. He wanted to be together with Helena in private, even though neither of them said anything.

He was staring at her with a never to be seen expression in his eyes, a mixture of tenderness and desire. The emotions that he found difficult to face were torturing him and catching hold of his lungs so it was hard for him to breathe properly while being beside her. She pretended to be sleeping because she didn't dare to look into his eyes, especially not after what had happened. She felt guilty even though she knew that she did nothing wrong.

The following morning she got up in spite of Mila's requests and prepared breakfast for Amon, who was sitting in his study.

\- Good morning, Herr Kommandant.

There were no signs of surprise or any other emotions on Amon's face. He replied on an indifferent voice, without looking at her, keeping on reading the reports, as if nothing had happened two days before. He was almost happy that she was able to get up and continue her life but he would have rather died than to show it.

\- Good morning, Helena.

Helena knew that she must have felt thankful for his saving her, and she did feel gratitude, but she didn't know how to express it or whether it was correct to express it. He was a monster, he had hurt and tortured her so many times without a reason, and now was it appropriate to feel positive emotions for him? He rescued her from being raped, even if he chose the most aggressive way: he executed her attacker. She didn't know his reasons for this killing and she didn't even want to know them. She just wanted to forget that evening, although she knew exactly that she would never be able to forget that.

\- Thank you, Herr Kommandant. – she whispered the words so softly that they were hardly audible, although Amon heard them. Still he decided to pretend not to and he started to eat the scrambled eggs instead.

Helena was standing patiently beside him, watching him in secret and waiting for him to finish his breakfast.

She couldn't stop wondering: is this the same man, who was slapping me for being late with the dinner just one minute, who was beating me up for no reason? He had almost killed me with his violent beatings and now he killed for me, she thought shivering slightly.

When Amon was ready, he leant back on his chair and finally he looked at her. His whole face was expressionless, his blue eyes showed the usual coldness.

\- How are you feeling today? – he asked suddenly.

Helena was deeply surprised and she couldn't even hide it. She needed a few seconds before she was able to reply.

\- I am fine, Herr Kommandant.

Amon nodded.

\- Good. Herr Schindler is coming around six, so prepare the dinner for two. – then he picked up a handful of notes and continued reading.

Helena could do nothing but leave. I don't understand this man, I don't think I ever will, she thought, all I must do is keep distance.

Amon was able to recognise and to admit that he had fallen in love with Helena though sometimes it made him feel sick. It was difficult for him to forget what he thought about the Jews and it confused him because at the same time when he looked at Helena, he felt that she didn't belong to them. There was a constant fight inside his heart because of her descent.

There were, however, nonproblematic sides of his emotions. He didn't waste many thoughts about the fact that true love couldn't have consisted of the beating up his loved one, though he realised that being the superior one in physical power didn't satisfy him so much as it used to. He wondered if she had made him "softer" and even the thought of it made him so mad that he could have punched into the wall. He didn't do it only because he was just sitting at the table having dinner with Oskar and he didn't want to reveal his thoughts even to his friend.

He knew it was something more than sexual desire he felt for her because he wanted to possess not only her body, but her soul as well. Her attempted escape and her courage fascinated him, even though he hated admitting it at first. There was a secret in her and he wanted to unravel and keep it.

The sentence that he had told himself on his birthday "They could kill me as I am a fucking Jew-lover, but who the fuck cares?" kept on circling in his mind, especially at night when he should have slept. He was aware of the fact that he was in danger and that his love for her couldn't have any possibilities or future. Still he wasn't able to give it up.

\- She is my destiny and she will devour me. – he whispered to himself.

Since that moment he didn't hit her again. When he became mad with anger or desire for her, he grabbed her and tightened his grip on her skinny arm, but he didn't use his physical power on her. He couldn't explain why and he didn't even try to explain it because his emotions, his growing fondness and passion towards her gave him enough embarrassment, mental and physical pain.

Helena was surprised that she wasn't punished for anything but she was always watching him with suspicion. His behaviour at the rape-attempt shocked her deeply because he seemed to have defended her and cared about her but at the same time she couldn't get rid of the thought that he did it only because he considered her as his belongings. She didn't dare to trust him, and she was sure that it would never change in her.


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter 8.

Helena was standing on the top of the villa, at the edge of the roof.

The strong wind was tearing her clothes wildly and slapped her face with her own hair, pushing her slightly towards the point where she could do nothing else but jump into the darkness. However now, seeing the ground deep under her, she didn't dare to move an inch. It was the end of the game and there was no other way out. She needed to get rid of him, of them. They were hot on the scent, closer and closer every second. She didn't see them now, it was too dark in the night and she didn't dare to turn around to face them, but she could feel them clearly, she could even hear their gasping for breath.

Two men were chasing her: Amon and Untersturmführer Jäger. Amon was quicker, even though he had a little overweight and he was older, comparing to Jäger, who mustn't have passed his thirties, but now both of them were equally close to her. She didn't know which of them would be able to catch her earlier. I will die if any of them touch me, she thought and she was preparing for the jump.

A long scream woke Amon up.

He sat up in his bed immediately and jumped on his feet. His heart was beating so fast that he could feel it in his throat. He knew very well who screamed, even though he had never heard her scream. It was Helena. He didn't even pick up his slippers, he just ran down to the basement barefoot, wearing nothing but pyjamas.

Helena was tossing about in her bed, weeping softly without a sound, breathing wildly. Amon watched her for a few seconds, then he put his hand on her arm.

\- Helena, wake up!

When she didn't react and said something in Hebrew, Amon shook her arm a little harder, hoping that would be enough to wake her up gently.

Suddenly she sat up, opened her eyes wide and pushed his hand away from her arm with such a force that shocked Amon.

\- Leave me alone! Why can't you leave me alone?

She must have been beside herself, because he had never seen her so furious. It was obvious that even though her eyes were open, she didn't see anything, because her brain was occupied with something else than comprehending the world around her. Hatred and fear filled her eyes, her voice was full of disgust and she pulled away from Amon as if he had been contagious and disgusting.

She remembered that hand so well. How many times had that hand hit her, her face, her stomach, her back, her legs. How many times did that hand push her against the wall, against the cupboard or through the table. How did that hand caress her face, her neck and her breast before punishing her so cruelly for being a Jew.

Amon was shocked. Her fury astonished him deeply – so deeply that he could have never imagined. The always calm and sober-minded Helena was watching him with sheer disgust and contempt on her pale face – and without any fear. She appeared to be a completely different person now: her body was the same, but her inside, her damaged and violent soul seemed to belong to someone else.

Suddenly she hissed at him, with a light of madness in her eyes.

\- You are a damned monster! The butcher of Kraków-Płaszów, that's what you really are. Don't ever touch me, you damned murderer! I hate you! – she screamed the last words right into his face, then she fainted and fell flat on her pillow.

For the first time in his life, Amon felt hurt and physically sick.

She considers me as a monster and she is right, I am one of them, he thought. She will never love me, she cannot love me back, he added bitterly, and he felt how anger and disappointment started to build up inside him, pouring all over his heart and his whole body, until he became completely mad. He felt the urge to beat, to punish, to destroy and demolish her, someone, anyone. He wanted to return the pain, to pour his rage and misery out. But this time he would have been unable to hit her. He was just standing there in front of her, staring at her, without doing anything, not even touching her.

He was shocked by his own reactions as well. It had always been so easy to beat her, he even hadn't had to think and he had been able to hit her without a moment of thinking. Now it gave him sharp pain to think of the past when he had punished her for his being unable to accept his attraction to her. Now he realised why all those horrible things happened. She was always more than a rotten Jew for me, he thought bitterly, she is too pure for this world.

When Amon saw that Helena was sleeping deeply and breathing much calmer, he walked upstairs, back into his bedroom and hid under the blanket. He couldn't sleep anymore. A kind of sadness accompanied his insomnia. He knew that his love for Helena would always remain unrequited and she would never be able to like him, no matter what he would do for her. All he could see now was her face and her sweet voice spitting "I hate you".

To tell the truth, he knew exactly that his love for her was completely forbidden, hopeless and meaningless, but until that moment, when she pushed his hand away rudely and spoke those words to him, somehow deep inside he was pampering a tiny ray of hope in his desperate mind that a miracle might happen and there could be a kind of loving relationship between them, maybe a friendship, but hopefully something much more. Since her reaction however, it all changed and he also had to realise that this hopelessness hurt him more than he had ever thought.

That day he was cold and he didn't even speak a word to Helena. He didn't want to hit her or hurt her in any way, but his coldness was the only way to keep his anger and disappointment inside him. She didn't mind it. She did her tasks and she wasn't hurt at all that Amon didn't even look at her during the meals or when they met somewhere in the house.

Oskar Schindler came for dinner to ask for a dozen new workers for Emalia and he found Amon especially out of sorts. He had heard the story and the destiny of Untersturmführer Jäger and he was still completely shocked.

The way Amon had settled the situation showed clearly how deeply violent and thoughtless the camp commandant actually was but it also showed how infatuated he had become with Helena. Oskar couldn't believe that Amon loved Helena, with his personality it seemed to be impossible, but he felt that Amon's emotions towards her were more than madness and desire of possession and less than love. If it is love, he thought, it must be something deeply sick.

\- Are you all right, my friend? – he told Amon. – You look rather pale. Is your insomnia getting worse?

Amon looked at Oskar with an exhausted glance. He did feel the urge to share his feelings and emotions with someone and the only person it could have been was Schindler.

\- That devil never goes away.

At that moment Helena entered the room to serve some coffee.

Oskar greeted her with a few kind words and his wide smile, as usual, but then he turned his attention on Amon quickly and he was examining the camp commandant.

It was no matter how cold and sober Amon appeared to be, Oskar could see in those blue eyes, how much Amon was yearning for Helena, and he could also notice that something must have happened to him. He didn't speak to her, except a nod and a "thank you", but his usual rudeness that was always clearly perceptible in his look, on his lips and in the posture of his body, was completely missing now. All Oskar could see was desire and repentance. He couldn't believe his own eyes and he wished he could know what had happened and what had been able to take Amon to this huge change.

Helena's behaviour didn't reveal anything. She didn't look shyer or braver than before, she accepted Amon's attention with the same modest reservation, filled with a little fear, and patience, and he couldn't notice any marks of beating.

When Helena left the room, Oskar smiled at Amon.

\- Is there anything I could do for you? Maybe a dozen bottles of Hungarian wine would bring a little colour into your face.

Amon laughed a little.

\- This time I need a little more than a few glasses of drink.

Oskar looked at him in disbelief.

\- Are you serious? Did you finally take my advice and you will start drinking less?

Amon shrugged carelessly.

\- Well, maybe, yeah.

Oscar was getting more and more curious.

\- What happened?

Amon was in trouble now. Finally he had someone who was eager to listen to him, but he was unable to pour his heart out. He didn't want to sound pitiful, complaining about a Jewish girl whom he had beaten so many times and who would never return his love. When he was thinking about it, he became mad at himself for being so weak, or at Helena for creating such emotions in him.

\- Is it about her? – Oskar didn't give up.

Amon looked at him and for a second he allowed his friend to see a little sadness in his eyes.

\- The Jews always give you trouble.

\- And pretty Jewish girls give you even more trouble.

\- It is more than prettiness. – Amon's voice expressed sadness and exhaustion, and with this sentence he finished the topic, and started to talk about Emalia.

Amon had to realise that he was unable to talk about his feelings, to share them with someone, not even with someone whom he regarded as a friend. He was brought up to be independent, he was always left alone with his problems, his thoughts or his emotions. His parents didn't have much time for him while they were working hard for the family business and going to parties, and he was taught to keep everything to himself. No one was interested in him, he had no one to trust and he taught to live this way from his early childhood.

Helena was completely calm until Oskar Schindler stayed with Herr Kommandant, but as soon as she and her boss were left alone in the villa, the usual dread crept back into her heart. She noticed how strangely Amon looked at her in the dining room and she found it particularly frightening after that he had completely ignored her before and after Schindler's visit.

The only time she felt more fear was before going to bed when she started to be scared of another nightmare coming. But for her surprise, no nightmares came – not that night and not later. She had no idea why. She didn't even remember waking up with a scream and talking to Amon.

While she was sleeping peacefully, Amon, suffering from insomnia, was walking around the camp and keeping a check on both the inmates and the guards. He was unable to sleep, especially not after being so terribly upset by his own emotions for Helena and her emotions towards him, and he had no other idea what he should do. He drank a whole bottle of vodka before leaving for his route and he became drunken quickly.

By daybreak he thrashed three young Jewish men who tried to hide behind a barrack sharing a cigarette and the two guards whose task would have been to make the inmates keep the curfew. He even broke the cane by the end of the beating, then he stumbled along to the closest barrack and emptied his stomach on the wall. Still he was able to walk back to the villa, completely exhausted, but on his own feet and he fell asleep on the floor of the hall.

When two hours later Helena emerged from her basement room to prepare Amon's breakfast and morning coffee, he was still lying on his back, in the middle of the floor, using the rug as a pillow. His mouth was open, his skin looked rather pale. She was scared because he looked like dead with his paleness and his motionless body, and she ran to him immediately.

\- Herr Kommandant! – forgetting about her shyness and her fear of touching Amon, she tried to wake him up by shaking his shoulder. The smell of alcohol and sweat made her sick but she didn't give up trying.

She just wanted to slap his face carefully, when Amon started to snore loudly, and then she became calm. So he is only drunken again, she thought, he could bear it no longer, however he hasn't drunk alcohol since his visit in Kraków. By remembering that, she was also reminded that he had defended her that night. That memory filled her heart with shame, that she had got into such a pitiful situation and that he had seen her exposed and defenceless, but at the same time for a moment she felt a little tenderness for him for helping her and for not hurting her – until the next moment when she felt deeply ashamed of herself. No tenderness for that monster, it is totally unpardonable, she thought bitterly, he murdered that other monster only because he doesn't want to share me with anyone else – it was pure selfishness and desire of possession, nothing else.

With the help of Lisiek, Helena carried the sleeping Amon into his bedroom and laid him on his bed. She removed his coat and his boots, covered him with a blanket, then left for the kitchen to prepare strong coffee. He will need it, she thought, like after every hangover, because he is not so lucky as Herr Schindler who is able to drink any amount of alcohol and he would never be cursed with headache or sickness.

Amon was sleeping there two more hours, then he woke up and had his breakfast on the balcony. He was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically, he felt like throwing up every five minute and he had a splitting headache. While Helena was pouring him a second cup of coffee, Amon shot two inmates who stopped on their way to their destination. (The hangover didn't affect his ability to aim accurately and hit his targets. The old man wanted to blow his nose, while the young woman had to tie her shoelaces, but Amon didn't care about their simple needs. Both of them died immediately.

Helena felt like crying and she started to tremble. Amon didn't look at her, he let her leave, while only one angry thought was circling in his mind: she will never love me so I can do anything now and I can fucking kill every rat in this damned camp. He felt the urge to make her be scared of him more than before and even though he knew that it was a rather stupid and childish idea, he couldn't stop himself from accomplishing it.

Helena escaped from the balcony as soon as possible, filled with fear and sickness that Amon would follow her into the kitchen and beat her up again, but she had to feel disappointed in him. He didn't follow her or call her back, he didn't touch her in any way and he didn't even talk to her on an angry voice. It was frightening for her to see what an emotionless and cold robot he became – it appeared for her to be even worse than previously when that emotionless cold robot had slapped and kicked her, cursing and shouting at her viciously.

Meanwhile Amon felt a kind of strange and painful pride in himself that for the first time he was able to stop himself from pouring out his madness on her. She could be proud of me, he thought, if she were able to look at me like at a normal person and not at a damned monster.

They spent the rest of the day and the following days this way – trying to keep away from each other, stealing glances on each other when they had to stay in the same room, Helena suffering from fear and Amon suffering from his own emotions, with their encounters bringing more dread and more pain.


	9. Chapter Nine

During February 1944 Amon became really busy again. He was ordered to liquidate the Kraków-Płaszów concentration camp and to send several numbers of transports of prisoners to the concentration camps of Auschwitz, Stutthof, Flossenburg and Mauthausen. He spent most of his days in his study and in the camp planning and controlling the whole process of the transports, and he rarely slept or ate. Before the first train left for Auschwitz, all the corpses on Hujowa Górka were quickly exhumed and burned on a tremendous pyre.

The thick grey smoke was choking not only the guards, destroying the evidence of the mass murders, and the chosen Jewish inmates, burying out and transporting the corpses, but the whole city of Kraków. Everyone knew what was happening but everyone pretended not to know about it. The mountain and its surroundings were avoided just like a place infected with plague.

One depressing cloudy morning Amon and Oskar Schindler were walking near the pyre, pressing a clean, wetted handkerchief in front of their mouth, while Amon was controlling the horrible event, completely annoyed. He was sick of that task and he wanted to get rid of that terrible smell that permeated his skin and his clothes. He was also exhausted and in the previous three nights he couldn't sleep at all.

Amon was also ordered to leave Poland after completing his task in Kraków-Płaszów and accept his new post in Vienna. The news of moving and the prospect of receiving another kind of job cheered him up actually and that was one of the topics he and Oskar were talking about during the lunch. Oskar didn't leave Kraków as he was occupied with keeping his workers safe and sound, however he was planning to move his whole factory to a safer and more peaceful country. He didn't share this plan with anyone, not even with Amon, although he decided to remain in close contact with the commandant in case he would need his help again.

After the usual meat soup, Helena served the second course, a whole fried chicken with roasted potatoes and vegetables, then she left. That was when Oskar brought up what he had been thinking about since Amon told him the latest news.

\- So are you going to let Helena join my factory?

\- Why should I? – Amon looked totally surprised and he even stopped cutting a piece of his chicken.

Now it was Oskar whose face showed complete surprise.

\- But the camp is going to be closed. What do you want to do to her? Take her into the forest and shoot her in the head before you get on the train to Vienna? Or send her to another camp?

Amon's face radiated sheer annoyance.

\- I am going to take her to Vienna as my maid. – he replied simply.

Oskar was laughing hard.

\- You are kidding.

Amon was staring him out.

\- I am not.

\- Come on!

\- I am not kidding.

Oskar stopped immediately, seeing the determination in Amon's eyes and looked at him sceptically.

\- You are mad!

A little mischievous smile appeared on Amon's handsome face as if he had been amused by his own plans.

\- Possibly.

Oskar drank some wine, then he put his glass on the table.

\- Let's be serious. You know well that you cannot do that, Amon. She will be killed immediately or sent to a concentration camp. And you will be killed as well. If you are lucky, you will be shot immediately. If you are not so lucky, you will be dying in a cell of the Gestapo or in another concentration camp after being tortured. I can't believe that you are not aware of your prospects.

Amon shook his head impatiently as if he had wanted to chase a fly away.

\- She won't be killed. She is going to have fake papers that proves that she is a good Catholic Polish girl.

Oskar was shocked. Now he is more than crazy, he is completely lunatic, he thought about Amon.

\- You are mad. If someone finds out the truth about her, both of you will be killed.

Amon chewed the slice of chicken and potato on his fork carefully, then he replied with that tiny smile.

\- That is why you must help me, Oskar. I am sure you know the best forgers here.

Oskar realised that his friend was more determined than ever. He knew that he had to help him for Helena's sake.

\- I know some people but it will be expensive.

Amon shrugged his shoulder carelessly.

\- I don't care about the money.

He didn't lie about it. He was a rich man comparing to his Nazi fellows, as he always saved his money, and he was good at making money by allowing the factory owners like Schindler to buy some of the inmates as workers.

Oskar leaned a little closer towards Amon above the table.

\- Do you care about Helena?

Amon looked a little embarrassed now, but he replied:

\- She is the only one I care about.

Helena was standing at the other side of the wall, shaking and panting wildly. She had heard the conversation between Amon and Oskar by accident and the possibility of remaining Amon's slave for the rest of her life wanted her to jump out of window of the upstairs bedroom. Still she didn't do it. If Herr Schindler decided to help Herr Commandant, then she would probably choose something else than suicide.

She returned to the kitchen to start preparing some dessert, and she didn't even dare to look at Amon or stay longer than a minute in the dining room when she served the chocolate pudding. She was afraid of the commandant's stopping her and telling her about his plans.

When she entered the dining room an hour later to clear the table, only Amon was sitting there, smoking. Oskar Schindler must have left even though she didn't hear the door open and close. She avoided looking at Amon and tried to finish her job as soon as possible.

\- Helena.

Helena stopped in her movements and stood still. She kept her eyes on the patterns of the carpet.

\- Herr Kommandant?

\- Please, sit down. I would like to talk to you.

Helena obeyed, taking place on the chair where Herr Schindler had been sitting, while her stomach shrivelled into the size of a nut.

Amon started to speak softly.

\- I am sure that you must have noticed the sudden changes inside and around the camp so you know that something has happened and the things here have changed. I have received my orders of closing the camp and my position is going to change. I must leave Poland within a month and take my new post in Vienna. I want you to come with me.

Helena didn't dare to reply. She was extremely nervous and she was afraid that her voice would betray her.

\- You have nothing to worry about. You will have new papers, the papers of a Catholic girl, and you will have the same job like here, you will remain my maid. You will be in safety beside me. – a small smile appeared on Amon's face, but Helena didn't see it and it disappeared quickly when he saw that she didn't want to lift her head and face him. - Vienna is a beautiful city, you know, with libraries, theatres, cinemas, shops and markets, everything that you can be interested in. I am sure that you will find your new life exciting.

Helena still remained silent, but this didn't disturb Amon now. He kept on talking, however, he was getting more and more desperate to persuade her. He wanted her to come with him because she wanted to and not because she was forced to.

\- I understand perfectly that you are scared of starting a new life, with a completely new personality. It will be very hard, I am aware of that, but I will be always there for you to help. You can even study if you feel like it.

Your help, it is something I don't want at all, Helena thought, you are a monster and all you can give is pain.

Amon took a deep breath.

\- I will be honest with you. I cannot leave you here. And you cannot stay here, you know why.

\- Why? – Helena looked at him now, with an innocent glance.

Amon replied in a low voice. He appeared to be rather uncomfortable for the first time during their time together.

\- All the remaining Jews go to Auschwitz or into another camps.

Helena tried hard not to scream.

\- You mean they are going to die? And I am going to die if I join them?

Amon jumped up angrily.

\- You won't join them! You mustn't die! I won't allow it! Don't even think about it, because you are not going to join them!

Helena was shocked by his passionate reaction. His body was trembling slightly, his eyes were spitting fire and he looked like as if he was about to explode within the next second. In his pale face his eyes were shining bright like jewels in the sunshine.

She needed a few minutes before she could talk again.

\- Do you mean, Herr Kommandant, that I have no other choice than following you to Vienna?

\- Exactly. That is the only way you can stay alive.

What if I don't want to stay alive, she wanted to ask, but she didn't say anything.

Amon composed himself and sat back, looking at her.

\- You must come with me.

Helena always hated the way he tried to command her around but this time there was something serious and desperate in his eyes that had a rather strange effect on her. She felt some anxiety in her stomach that she couldn't explain, looking into those meaningful blue eyes that didn't look so cruel now – actually they didn't look cruel at all - but that suggested that she was important to him. He wants to save me, she thought, I don't know why, but I can clearly feel it and it is not about torture as he had done before. And now she knew that she wouldn't disobey.

Suddenly Amon changed the subject.

\- Do my nails, please.

Helena repressed a sigh. She had to do Amon's nails every week and it was always a kind of torture for her.

She was sitting opposite him, holding his fingers in her hand, cutting and polishing his nails, while he was staring at her hungrily. Sometimes he leant closer to her, as if he had been turning a page of the newspaper or picking up his cup to drink a gulp of coffee but it was no accident at all. He wanted to smell her scent, to feel her closer to him, while she was sick of his closeness and the scent of his after-shave lotion. She was also wondering how could a murderer like him have such a soft skin and elegant long fingers. His hands were beautiful, even though bloody up to the elbow.

This time everything happened the same way as always. Amon pretended to be reading his newspaper and leant closer to Helena three times within twenty minutes. He loved and enjoyed her scent, even the scent of her sweat, caused by nervousness and the heat of the fireplace. She could hardly breathe and she felt a little sick.

When Helena finished Amon's nails, he pulled his hand away softly, then stood up. She jumped up too, waiting for his orders, but Amon said goodbye only.

\- Good night, Helena. Give me your reply tomorrow morning.

Helena felt that her heart was beating in the middle of her throat and she was hardly able to reply at that moment. She was close to being choked by her own weakness while her lips formed the words.

\- There is nothing to think about, Herr Kommandant.

Amon was staring at her surprised, full of hope, though he didn't dare to show a sign of that.

\- Will you come with me?

Helena was watching his boots shivering, wondering if she had made the best choice or committed the most stupid mistake of her life.

\- Yes, I will.

For a moment, a satisfied, almost happy smile appeared on Amon's face, then he wiped the smile off from his face, although his eyes kept on beaming with warmness. Helena could see that when she looked at him involuntarily and it caused strange feelings inside her heart.

\- I am glad to hear that you have chosen to obey. See you tomorrow.

\- Good night, Herr Kommandant – her reply sounded like a whisper and she hurried out to the kitchen to find some peace. While doing the washing-up, she was thinking about her decision and the look of his eyes when he had heard her agreement.

What is he expecting of me, why is it so important for him to take me to Vienna with himself, she was asking herself. She could catch Amon's lovely smile and it was a mystery for her as Herr Kommandant rarely smiled and most of the times that smile was full of wickedness and cruelty. But when tonight he smiled at me, there was no wickedness or cruelty in it, I am sure, she thought, and the way he was looking at me was so strange as well, as if he had cared about me, as if he had… liked me.

Even without hearing the conversation between the two men, she would know very well that Amon was putting himself into great danger by having fake papers made for her and by taking her with himself while he should have sent her into Auschwitz and got her killed instead. The more she was thinking about it, the less she was able to understand him and his motives. By the time she finished her work, she had had a strong headache and all she wanted was to sleep.


	10. Chapter Ten

During the next few weeks Amon still remained a mystery for Helena.

For her surprise and shock, he seemed to be a different person now. Amon didn't lose his cruelty and impatience that appeared to belong to his personality, however he showed them only towards others, towards inmates and guards. He behaved shockingly calm and polite with Helena, almost in a loving way, and even though he looked rather impatient sometimes (he wanted to leave the camp behind as soon as possible but things didn't always work the way he would have loved to), he wasn't rude or cruel to her anymore. As if he had been scared of hurting her and making her change her mind about coming to Vienna with him.

No matter what she saw and experienced, she was unable to trust him and every day she expected him to change back into his well-known form, made of cruelty and madness. It never happened but it didn't make a difference for her. One day, when I don't expect it, it will really happen, and then he will kill me, she thought and she tried to avoid Amon.

It hurt him but he did nothing against it. While Helena was doing her best to avoid him, Amon was working hard to gain her trust – it was something that he thought to be impossible, yet he couldn't give the idea up that one day he might obtain that from her. He still couldn't control his desire for her and he couldn't stop taking his eyes off from her when she served his meals or did small jobs around him. When he could stop it, it was the result of a strong force on himself.

In April 1944 Amon was promoted to SS Hauptsturmführer and reserve officer of the Waffen SS. He was expected to report in Vienna as soon as possible but the task to close the Kraków-Płaszów concentration camp was not that easy to accomplish quickly. It was in the middle of the month when he could finally leave Kraków and when he managed to obtain two tickets for the train to Vienna because there wasn't enough petrol for a car for such a long journey. There was only one train to Austria that week and Amon urged Helena to get ready in time and they could stand at the railway station in the middle of a huge, impatient and rude crowd half an hour before the train actually started. Everyone was talking or shouting to each other, discussing every kind of subjects too noisily for Helena's ears, being used to silence. As there was silence inside Herr Kommandant's house in the last few months and she had no reason to leave the building, not even for ten minutes.

Suddenly Amon looked at Helena.

He had been watching the people around them with a rather annoyed glimpse and he was counting the minutes back to the arrival of the train. He didn't give a though about the camp and the inmates – all he could think about was his future with his maid by his side.

\- Take my hand because I don't want to lose you in this damned crowd. When the train arrives, they will go totally crazy.

His eyes shone so tenderly and caring on her, but Helena didn't see it because she kept her glance on the sight of the city, lying in front of them.

She could do nothing else but obey and allowed Amon's long cold fingers to be intertwined with hers, even though she got completely sick of the thought of holding this murderer's hand. What a terrible shame, she thought, I look like as if I were a Nazi's girlfriend. She was grateful that her parents didn't see her in this situation. She felt like a traitor. His touch was like death for her, his soft skin on her skin was like a kind of poison that burnt her with shame.

Amon didn't notice her disgust and he thought that she was trembling because of the cold weather and of the excitement of the journey. He wanted to pull her closer to his body, both for keeping her warm and for feeling her close to him, but he didn't need to because the train just arrived and the noisy crowd started to rush towards it to get on it as soon as possible. People around the strange couple pushed them closer to each other and Helena felt like fainting. Fortunately Amon was determined enough to force his way forward and they managed to get on among the first passengers. Helena collected all her strength and followed him although she couldn't have done anything else as he was pulling her with himself.

She became relaxed only when they could take their seats in the carriage and the forced physical connection between them was finally cut. They were sitting opposite each other, next to the window, so she could watch the station and the sorrowful dark buildings behind it, trying to forget how hungrily Amon was staring at her. He didn't even deny his emotions for her, he didn't try to pretend to be strict and distant, and now his eyes expressed everything. If he knew how terribly sick he makes me, Helena thought, he would never save me, he would just shoot me in the head and leave.

When the carriages became full, the train left the station. A couple of people were standing on the platform, some of them were crying from disappointment, some of them showed no emotions. They could do nothing else but change their destination or wait for another week.

The train was going slowly as it had a lot of stops during the way. It reached Ostrava only in 24 hours by the next morning. The passengers were mainly sleeping or just sitting, snuggled deeply into their winter coats without a single word. Most people didn't want to talk, they wanted only to leave Poland behind. Those who had some little food with themselves, tried to eat in secret, hiding behind a newspaper or their scarves. Babies and children were crying from cold and hunger, they were mostly the only one who gave a voice to their complaints. Their mothers tried to console them, while their fathers' face were darkened by anger and exhaustion.

The journey was boring as the train was rather slow, there was silence or crying all over. It was almost perfect for Helena. She was looking through the window, being able to watch the landscape running by and thinking about her future. She hoped to have a better and safer life in Vienna as the Catholic maid of a Nazi commandant but she still couldn't trust Amon, even though she must have seen that he had changed. She couldn't avoid feeling his eyes on herself, but she was grateful for him that he didn't try to talk to her. She would have been unable to chat now.

Amon was also thinking about his and their future, he was planning to buy a nice and comfortable flat for them and he decided to give Helena all the possibilities and beauties that Vienna could provide. He already saw themselves elegantly dressed, watching a play in the theatre, looking through the hundreds of books in the biggest bookstore of the city or walking together in the park and he could smile at the thought of Helena's joy to enjoy the beautiful nature around them. It was so beautiful that he could hardly imagine that he was so close to them to come true. When we reach Vienna, we are free, he thought.

By the evening a few people were coughing so hard that they could have been heard in the next carriages as well, while others complained of a strong headache, but no one thought of anything bad. Food was scarce and there was no fresh air because the windows remained closed. However, when the next day two men and a young girl were found dead, anxiety immediately infected everyone. The mouths of the dead people were frighteningly blue on their pale skin and they must have died only a few hours after midnight. They all occupied different carriages and the news spread quickly that something terrible happened. The train was stopped.

\- That's plague! – screamed someone. That scream was followed by many more all along the carriages and panic started to break out. Dozens of soldiers of higher ranks were also travelling on the train and they decided to act.

Helena didn't really care whether it was plague or not – life and death didn't actually matter to her anymore after losing her beloved sister. She was glad to leave Poland, the place where she had obtained so much sadness, but she didn't believe she would ever be able to feel happiness. However, she cared about Amon, because he was her chance and her key to a possible freedom. If God helped me and saved me from the concentration camp, he possibly has got some plans with me, she thought, and that is why I need Herr Kommandant.

Amon looked rather horrible. His face was shockingly pale, his lips lost their colours as well. He was unable to eat and he didn't crave for water either. He was sweating, even though it was cold in the carriage. He didn't complain a word but Helena could see that he must have had a strong headache. He often massaged his forehead and he kept his eyes closed most of the time.

Three-three soldiers checked every carriage thoroughly and they pushed everyone, who looked sick or dying, off the train. They showed no mercy or hesitation, and this time none of the passengers complained at all. Everyone wanted to get rid of the disease and survive.

When the soldiers appeared, dressed in uniform and leather gloves, and saw Amon, their strict faces changed immediately. Helena was watching them and seeing their expression, an icy cold hand seized her heart. They didn't even look at each other to discuss what they should do and they were about to grab him, when she stood up and spoke:

\- This is SS Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth and …

The taller blond man interrupted her.

\- I don't care who he is, but he must clear off from the train before all of us die! He must have the plague too.

Amon heard nothing about it because he had fainted a few minutes earlier. His lips were left a little open, his head was about to fall on his left shoulder.

\- He is just tired. – Helena objected on a weaker voice although she could clearly see that he was more than tired. He didn't cough but he had the symptoms of a flu.

The dark-haired SS-Sturmführer replied.

\- He must go. That's the end of the conversation.

Helena knew exactly that she could do nothing against the decision. Even though the soldiers would have allowed Amon to stay in the carriage until he could have been taken into a hospital, the way the people around her looked at him made her realise, that they would have thrown him out of the train as soon as possible. He had no chance to survive on the train.

The soldiers were now whispering among each other, they realised possibly that they shouldn't have pushed an SS Hauptsturmführer off just like a simple bag of garbage. The dark-haired man left for half a minute, then he returned with two ragged, dirty, red and black chequered travelling rugs, possibly taken away from someone in the neighbouring carriage.

Amon was wrapped into the rugs and two of the soldiers carried him off the train carefully. They walked away for a few meters, put Amon on the ground, next to a bush and an old deformed mile stone, and hurried back to the train, while Helena was standing next to the motionless body. He looked so pitiful, so defenceless, and she felt something strange in her heart that she didn't dare to express.

\- Come with us. He will die within a week. – the youngest soldier shouted at her. He felt pity for the young girl and he found it unjust that she had to die in the middle of nowhere, alone, in the cold, taking care of a dying man.

Helena shook her head.

No, I am unable to leave him here, she thought, he is still breathing, he is alive.

\- I will stay with him.

The men shrugged, one of them waved at her.

\- You are stupid. – then they climbed on the stairs, then waved to the engine driver that they could leave now.

Helena wasn't sure if she was stupid or not. All she could know that she was unable to leave the dying Amon alone and that all she felt for him now was free from hatred. Because she knew now exactly that he had bubonic plague. She had read about the symptoms when she was reading a dictionary about epidemics and she heard people talk about the disease on the train. She had no idea what to do or where they were.

She saw a few houses within easy reach, almost burnt down to their foundation, and the whole place looked deserted and empty. No one is here, she thought, no one would or could help me, and we will die right here. She didn't mind it anymore, she found no reason to live. But she didn't want to leave Amon for his sake, she didn't understand why. Was it his helplessness, his being so defenceless? He wasn't that strong man, the mighty Herr Kommandant anymore. He was simply a dying man.

She knew that she would never be able to carry him anywhere and she saw nothing useful, no carts, not even a bicycle. All she could see was a pump, about two hundred meters from there and she decided to stay there. Water was important and she didn't have anywhere else to go.

She opened Amon's rucksack and searched it through. She put his raincoat under his head, forming a pillow, and spread his warm travelling rug over his body. That was all she could do for his comfort. Hopefully it won't rain, otherwise we will be in a much bigger trouble, she thought. She found his flask and she ran for water. She was glad of the fresh water, she drank half a flask of it, then she refilled it and hurried back to Amon. He was lying restless and he was moaning softly. She put her hand on his forehead and she could feel that he had high fever. She moaned too because she had to do something again that she didn't want to in another situation.

She wetted her handkerchief and put it on his forehead, then she started to undress him. She opened his jacket, then his shirt and washed his chest and belly with fresh water using one of his vests. She had never touched a man's body, especially not a naked one and she couldn't even imagine it to do that. It was so inappropriate, no matter, if the man was ill or not, and it was one of the reasons she would have never chosen to be a nurse. And if Destiny had wanted to torture her more, there was an even harder task. She had to pull Amon's trousers down to cool his legs as well. She hated every second of it, but she managed to do that. She used another vest on his long, hairy thighs and legs. When the wet piece of clothes touched his groin by accident, Amon shouted.

\- Fuck, it hurts!

He didn't even open his eyes and he slipped back into his comatose-like condition immediately.

Helena felt that there was something she needed to see, even though she didn't want to. She suspected that Amon's groin hurt because of the swollen lymph nodes on his skin and she had to check them out if she was right. She pulled his underpants down very slowly and she almost vomited from the sight. She couldn't believe it that she had been able to do that and that she could see something so disgusting like never before. There were already three white swellings bulging out on Amon's left thigh, like little mysterious eggs hidden under his skin, only a few centimetres next to his penis.

If he was able to catch the plague within only two days, she thought, it will probably kill me too by the end of this week. She knew that they had almost no chance to survive because there were no hospitals, no medicine, no one to help them. It was the end for both of them.

Before she fell asleep, leaning to the mile stone, sitting next to Amon's lifeless body, she turned to the only one who could help: God. Even though God took my family away, I am still here, as strong and healthy as I was in the last few years, she was wondering, maybe for such a reason I cannot even imagine, so maybe this time he will listen to me. She prayed for Amon's recovery.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter 11.

Amon's condition was getting worse day by day.

His fever was higher, he had chills and his frightening-looking seizures became more frequent. His shirt became so wet from his sweat that Helena had to remove it. It was no sense to have it dried and put it on him again, so she kept only the coat and his travelling rug on him as a cover and she wiped his chest dry regularly. Those travelling rugs into which the soldiers had wrapped him were thrown away on the first day.

Sometimes, when Amon didn't moan about the pain all over his body or when he didn't lie in delirium, he vomited water or twice some blood. Helena was eager to nourish him with fresh water to avoid his drying out and she hated being unable to ease his physical pain, but she tried to behave with him calmly. Sometimes she could have cried from disappointment and hopelessness, but she didn't want to upset the sick man.

The growing number of the swollen lymph nodes on his groin looked bigger and dark. Within twenty-four hours she counted five more new ones – one on his groin and four on the side of his neck. She wasn't disgusted by them anymore, she was just dead scared of the possibility of his dying.

Amon's condition bothered Helena far much more than her being cold and being hungry all the time. To tell the truth, she had so much to worry and so much to do around Amon that she had little time left for realising how much cold she actually was and how hungry she felt. She found some berries nearby on the wild bushes but that was all she could eat after the food she had packed for the journey was consumed.

Helena didn't lose her patience though she grew more and more disappointed and angry as the hours passed by. She hated that she could do nothing else for Amon but making him drink a little water when he was half-awake and able to swallow, and wash his body to make it cool and clean from sweat. She repeated it so many times within a day that she was getting used to the sight of his naked body and the act of touching him, and she was feeling less and less sick of it.

She was scared of losing him and seeing him die. She didn't want him to die – for the first time it was her biggest fear. She wasn't afraid of staying alone – she was afraid of staying without him. What frightened her more actually was the discovery that her feelings started to change towards him. She felt less sickness and less hatred for him. She thought it was only because of his helplessness. He is like a baby now, she thought, he cannot defend or take care of himself, and it makes me worry about him, it makes me feel like a mother for her child, because I want to defend him, to take care of him, to help him to heal. She could find no other reasons for her behaviour and for her emotions.

She couldn't understand herself.

I wanted him to die when we were in the camp, she thought bitterly sometimes, I wanted him to feel pain, to be tortured and to die, when he was beating me up. But now when he was so close to death, she didn't want him to leave at all. I don't need him, I don't even care about surviving the plague, then why don't I want to get rid of him so badly like I used to want it, she asked herself. She didn't intend to think about it much, she had enough tasks to do to keep Amon alive. But in the evening and during the night when he seemed to feel a little better and his fever was a little lower, her thoughts about him came rushing to her. She didn't understand her own feelings but she felt that there was something she didn't dare to face now. When she looked at him, she didn't see the cruel Herr Kommandant – only a suffering man. And when she remembered all the physical and mental cruelty she had received from him – for the first time she didn't feel how hatred and anger were filling her veins. It was another thing that made her scared.

On the third night another sudden thing happened that seemed to push Helena out of her mind. Amon was tossing around in his dream, fuelled by fever and pain, when suddenly he grabbed Helena's hand. It was by accident because he was unconscious and he had no idea what he was doing or saying. As an instinct, she didn't pull her hand away and when she realised whose hand she was holding, she didn't force his fingers off from her own.

She didn't feel any shame now that surprised her very much. She remembered how disgusted and ashamed she had felt when she had had to hold Amon's hand at the railway station. She remembered feeling like a traitor, a whore of a Nazi. However, those feeling were nowhere to be found now and she found the fact alarming. I just want to help him, she thought, trying to soothe herself, he needs it now, he needs me now. But when she obtained some courage to think about that deeper, she had to admit that somehow his touch now gave her a sense of security and calmness – another unbelievable change that she couldn't comprehend. She was so confused that she fell asleep, holding his hand all along the night.

She had insomnia since they had to leave the train, and she became so exhausted that she couldn't imagine how she was still able to stay awake, stay sane and take care of Amon. The astonishing fact that she didn't become ill of the plague, didn't surprise her at all while she found it shockingly disturbing that she could finally get some deep, dreamless sleep, with his long warm fingers intertwined around hers. Still, from that night she started to spend the nights holding his hand while she was trying to sleep and to have a little rest. For her surprise, it always helped her to sleep and calm down.

Once she even had a dream about her family – they all attended a delicious dinner in the garden of an unknown house and they had an amazing time together. Before she woke up from that beautiful dream, she could see Amon, watching her with a lovely smile, while leaning to an apple tree only a few meters from them. That smile warmed her whole body up and she felt something strange inside her heart – even after she woke up in reality. But she decided not to think about that feeling or about her dream – she refused to deal with emotions and dreams while Amon was on the edge of death and she was too busy to think about anything else but him, she told to herself.

On the sixth morning Amon suddenly opened his eyes and looked at Helena.

\- You were my prisoner in Kraków-Płaszów but now I am your prisoner. – as soon as he pronounced these words, he fell asleep.

Helena didn't care much about what he said – she was scared that he had another, deeper and more dangerous kind of delirium. She checked his forehead and she felt that his temperature had risen since last night. She hurried for fresh water and then started the usual routine of the hourly bath of his body.

Days went by and Amon's condition didn't seem to improve, however, it didn't seem to be worse either. Helena felt that time had stopped and they were hanging in the middle of nothing together. She didn't know what to do and she had no one to turn to for advice or help. Her only companion was unconscious and she was left alone with her mind that tortured her with more and more questions. Sometimes she became so disappointed and so full of anger that she wished everything would end finally. But the next morning both Amon and she were alive again.

On the twelfth day Amon opened his eyes. His face was very pale, he opened his eyelids with great effort and he seemed to be dead tired. Helena didn't dare to believe that his fever had disappeared even though his forehead and his cheeks were almost lukewarm. When she caressed his forehead unintentionally, his eyes opened wide and he whispered her name softly.

Helena smiled and sighed a little. Deep inside she knew now that Amon survived the plague.

\- Helena…

She leaned a little closer to him to be able to hear his words. Even his voice sounded so exhausted. He must have been very exhausted as he had been fighting with death in the last thirteen days.

\- Herr Kommandant?

Amon took a deeper breath, then replied slowly.

\- Thank you.

His sleepy, blue eyes expressed his gratitude deeper than his weak voice, and they made Helena tremble. She didn't give an answer and Amon fell asleep again at the following moment.

But this time she didn't need to worry. His fever had gone, and after she checked the swollen lymph nodes, she had to see that half of them disappeared while the others had become so small like a nail of her little finger.

The next morning, around at eleven o'clock a train arrived and stopped, seeing Helena standing on the rails, waving wildly with her white scarf. She knew that she had very few chances to catch a vehicle that would take them to Vienna where they could find food, accommodation and medical help.

Two soldiers got off immediately and without any questions they helped Amon get on the train, who was too weak to walk on his own feet. These soldiers showed him respect when they got to know who he was. Helena was glad that he was half asleep because she was sure how much he would have hated knowing that he was carried up on the train like a helpless baby or a suitcase.

In the carriage one of the soldiers brought some bread and cheese and finally Helena could eat. She cut the bread and the cheese into small pieces to feed Amon who was sitting next to her, forcing himself to stay in that sitting position with all his power. All he could do was sitting but he had almost no strength in his limbs. He felt really ashamed that he had to be fed like a baby, while Helena's fingers were holding the pieces of food in front of his lips, but he was terribly weak and it was already a huge task for him to sit straight.

They were eating together, she put the food into his, then into her mouth. She didn't even blush when her fingertips touched his lips and she could feel its warmness and softness. It was nothing after seeing and touching his naked body everywhere, several times a day for more than a week.

Suddenly Amon whispered while Helena was cutting a few more pieces of bread and cheese. She tried to eat as much as possible and she wanted to do the same with him. Both of them needed strength and stamina to continue their journey, and they needed food badly.

\- Helena.

She stopped cutting and she looked at him curiously.

\- Herr Kommandant?

\- You saved my life.

The tone of his voice and his tender blue eyes made her tremble inside. She tried to reply confidently but her own voice sounded just weakly as Amon's.

\- God saved you.

Amon kept his eyes on hers strongly, in spite of his condition.

\- God wasn't there beside me, holding my hand, nourishing me with water, washing me, seeing my disgusting body, looking after me. You were.

Helena blushed and looked away embarrassed. She wished she had been somewhere else and that Amon would have forgotten everything about those days.

Amon was so polite and tactful that he didn't force to discuss the topic any longer, however he was examining her face carefully and he wondered how come she was able to take care of him, care about him, touch him, him, the monster whom she hated so deeply.

She didn't want to remember her undressing him, touching his naked body, and she didn't want him to be thankful. He had saved her from the concentration camp, from dying in one of the unhealthy barracks, from being shot by the guards and now he was taking her into the freedom. You don't need to feel thankful at all, she thought, because I just returned what you had done for me, I just paid my debt towards you and we are almost equal now.

She was trying to push those pictures of herself pulling his shirt apart, touching his chest and his soft warm skin, holding his fingers among hers, caressing his feverish cheek, away. Those ugly swollen lymph nodes were less embarrassing for her than those memories, than the feelings that they created now. They were free from abhorrence and repulsion, just as her heart showed no more anger or hatred when she looked at him. She felt a little angry with herself that a couple of days of physical intimacy with him and seeing him defenceless could turn her own heart against herself.


	12. Chapter Twelve

During the journey they didn't talk more.

Amon felt that he made Helena embarrassed though he had no idea what the reason was behind her blushing face and shyness. Probably she is ashamed of herself that she had to nurse and take care of a Nazi asshole and she has even saved my life, he thought. No wonder, he added bitterly, she has saved the life of someone who had been torturing her and her people so much.

For his own surprise, he felt ashamed of himself for his past behaviour towards her, that was why he forced himself to leave her alone. He didn't think much about his own change of behaviour – he simply felt what he had to do. He didn't try to start another conversation and he worked hard to be able to eat alone, to rid her of another uncomfortable task. When he felt too weak for that, he pretended not to be hungry.

Helena was surprised by Amon's kindness and patience, and deep inside her heart she really appreciated that he left her alone. She spent most of her time sleeping that she had missed while taking care of him. She felt both physically and mentally completely exhausted and she knew that it was not only because of the long fighting with the plague, but because of Amon as well.

All her thoughts were about him only, her emotions were disturbed by his presence and by the memories about him. She tried to think of something else, of her future life, her plans of survival, she tried to recall her memories about her family – nothing helped. She found it shocking to realise and recognise her new emotions towards him.

When she was awake, she was just sitting opposite Amon, pretending to read a book that he borrowed her. It was another astonishing surprise for her that Amon loved reading poems and in his backpack he was carrying a book of poems from Heinrich Heine. He, the Nazi monster, the butcher of Kraków-Płaszów, she thought with a bitter smile, reads the poems of a Jewish poet, whose works were burnt and totally forbidden for more than a decade. She wondered how and why he could keep that book that she found by accident after looking for a handkerchief for him. She was so surprised to touch a book that she took it out of the bag and examined it wondering what it could be.

\- I guess you think that is Mein Kampf, don't you? – she could hear Amon's soft voice. His physical weakness was heard in it clearly.

She looked up frightened although he was looking at her with a tender, slightly mischievous smile. How strange, she thought, as if he had been someone else, a complete stranger I had never met. It also stroke her deeply how handsome he was, how a smile made his features gentle and striking attractive.

She felt angry at herself for considering him as beautiful even for a moment. He is a monster, a cruel monster, she told herself, never forget, even though he saved my life, because he did it for a purpose I may not want to know.

She didn't reply, and Amon only added a few words before he closed his eyes exhaustedly and tried to sleep.

\- Just some poems. Maybe you will like them.

He acted as if he didn't care about other people noticing what kind of book he kept – however, Helena was much more careful and she held the book in her laps in a way that she could be able to hide it within a second if someone got closer to them. She didn't want to get into trouble and she didn't want Herr Kommandant to pay for his carelessness.

She was trying to read the poems, even to memorise some of them, but she was unable to divert her attention from Amon. The more she saw the other side of him that had remained a well-kept secret during the months in Poland, the more she felt attracted to him – no matter how hard she was trying to repress it.

After they arrived at Vienna, Amon continued to behave like a gentleman she had never seen. He was still weak, he could walk slowly but he did his best to hide it. He caught a taxi with a wave of his hand and he helped Helena in, forgetting about the fact that she was his maid and that she was a Jew (not if it had been important anytime for a while) – even Helena forgot her own role and let herself obey to his gentle manners and politeness.

They were sitting close to each other in the car and she felt a little nauseous, smelling his scent and feeling his muscular thigh touching hers. Feeling the heat of his body made her realise more than ever that it was all real: she was in Vienna, she reached the freedom and all was given to her by Herr Kommandant who used to torture her so cruelly every day. Will I ever forget those painful memories, she asked herself, will I ever forgive him? She also wondered how Amon would behave with her inside the flat, between the walls of his empire, where no one could see or hear them and no one could stop him from beating her up. She didn't want to be rude that was why she didn't move and she didn't pull away from him even though she felt really uncomfortable. She felt like a traitor that she was unable to hate him as much as she used to.

During the trip to the other part of the city, Amon was showing Helena the places of interest as if she had been a close friend of his or someone he wanted to enchant. This strange behaviour made her shyness and silence even more profound. Amon didn't let himself be disturbed by her silence – it was enough for him that he could see the interest and the attention in her bright eyes.

In half an hour they were standing in the hall of the small, neat flat Amon had leased last month by his mother's help.

He showed Helena her new bedroom that was next to his own, and then they checked the kitchen together where they found two huge baskets, full of bread, fruit, vegetables and some delicacies, (while in the fridge there were milk, cheese, butter and sausages waiting – again praising the careful hands of his mother). Helena liked the comfortable, lovely furnished flat but she was too shy to confess it. Her eyes were examining every part of it with impatience while she was thinking: this would be her new home.

They could not spend much time together because Amon had to call on the headquarters of the city and he didn't want to make his superior officers waiting. He was expected to start working as soon as possible, he explained to Helena, especially after the long delay, caused by his illness.

He didn't want to go and leave Helena alone, but he had no other choice and he didn't want to pull attention on himself because that would have meant more attention on his maid whom he had taken from Poland. Not even his own mother understood why he had taken his Polish maid with himself although he could have chosen from Vienna's prettiest and most experienced servant girls. Anyone would be happy to work for you, Mrs Goeth said, as you are a Kommandant, a famous man, a hero in our eyes. Amon laughed bitterly when he heard these words from her on the telephone and he confirmed that he wanted no one else but Helena.

\- I don't have either time or fancy to teach a new girl. Helena knows already perfectly what I like and what I don't like – he added.

Mrs Goeth didn't say anything. She just wanted to have a look at that girl whom her choosy son considered so perfect.

Amon had planned a calm and peaceful life for Helena, he wanted to defend her from all the horrors of the war, and he didn't want to break the promise that he had made. He knew that he had committed horrible things to her and he wanted to repay his debts from the moment they had left Poland.

Before leaving, Amon smiled at Helena and told her to relax and to take time to get to know her new home. They were standing at the door, face to face, and he was treating her more like a guest and not like a maid.

\- You don't need to do any housework today.

Helena was watching his shiny boots nervously while clutching her hands in front of her belly. She just wanted to stay alone for a while and think about the last few days and her future.

\- Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Amon seemed to turn around and leave but suddenly he said:

\- Don't cook because we are going to have dinner in a restaurant.

For the thought of going to a restaurant in the Nazi Vienna, in the company of a Nazi commandant, Helena went rather pale. She felt dizzy and she felt she had to sit down immediately.

Amon noticed her reaction and he helped her sit down quickly on the chair that was placed near the mirror.

\- I am sorry, I see that it is too fast for you.

He almost took her into his arms seeing her so frightened and weak, but at the next moment he remembered her words painfully when she had shouted at him: "You are a damned monster! The butcher of Kraków-Płaszów, that's what you really are. Don't ever touch me, you damned murderer! I hate you!" That was why he only touched and held her arm gently while helping her lower on the chair, then he took a step backwards.

Helena got embarrassed and she tried to object but her voice let her down, just as her body had.

Amon felt embarrassed and ashamed for being rather insensitive with his idea of taking a Jewish girl into a restaurant, filled with Nazis, right after their arrival into the peaceful city from the horrors of a concentration camp. How idiot I am, how bloody idiot, he told to himself, no wonder that she is so scared of me.

\- That is all right, don't worry about it. I will bring us something for dinner instead. Forget about the restaurant – and he left the flat quickly before Helena could have objected again.

While Amon was hurrying down the stairs as fast as he could and then he got into his car that had been parked near the pavement, Helena was sitting in the same position, thinking. She couldn't believe her ears – she really heard Amon Goeth saying sorry for her? How many surprises is this man going to give me, she wondered, what he has been up to.

When she felt strong enough, she walked into her bedroom, lied on the bed, curled on the blanket and fell asleep. She didn't dream anything but when she woke up, she felt fresher and calmer.

When Amon returned home a few hours later, he found Helena reading his book of poems in the corner of the sofa peacefully as if she had already felt herself at home. He felt almost happy to see it, especially when she looked up with a lovely smile, however that smile disappeared quickly when she realised it was him, and his guilt of conscience made him sorrowful again. He felt his debts towards her heavier and greater than before.

They exchanged a few words, Amon didn't want to force any conversation, then they had their dinner without a word. Helena ate little, though she tried to regain as much strength as possible, while Amon's appetite became almost healthy. He prepared some chicken dish, warming up the roast chicken and the boiled potatoes he had bought possibly in a restaurant on his way home, and he even did the washing-up, despite Helena's weak objections.

\- Please, you have had a long day. Let me do it for once.

Helena was completely astonished and she could not take her eyes off from him, while she was sitting on her chair, watching him clean the plates. Is he really the same person who beat me up so many times, she thought, being close to tears, is he the man who saved me from being shot? What had happened to him and why is it so disturbing for me, she kept on asking.

Amon felt her eyes on himself, but he didn't dare to turn around and look at her – he didn't want to frighten her again. He really enjoyed her surprise that he saw on her face and he wanted to have her eyes on him. He knew that as soon as he had turned around, she would have pretended to be watching her nails.

Amon went to bed early, partly because he was really exhausted and partly because he didn't want to disturb and upset Helena more. While he was starting to snore, she was lying in her bed, watching the shadows running around on the ceiling.

He was snoring softly behind the wall - she was wondering sleeplessly. She closed her eyes and she was trying to sleep but all she could see was Amon – he seemed to be the only one she could think of. She hated that.

The first two weeks Amon was so busy that he couldn't even find time to go home and have lunch with Helena. They met in the morning for a short time, while Amon had his breakfast and told Helena her tasks for that day, then he left and he didn't return home before nine o' clock in the evening. In the beginning she was scared of everything and she was filled with fear because of Amon as well.

Helena had time to discover her new home, to get to know the neighbours in the house and the shops nearby where she did the shopping every second day. She didn't actually need to buy anything so often but she wanted to do something that made her remember what life used to be before the war. She really enjoyed her new life, not only the sudden freedom and the sunshine on her face, but cleaning clothes in the shiny clean bathroom, preparing and eating delicious dishes and even possessing a comfortable room of her own where she was never disturbed, where she had fresh air, a lovely view, warmness and beautiful pieces of furniture. She had so many new experiences, she had so much to see and remember, and also to do, and still – she missed Amon.

She was watching him carefully when they were together – she was looking for the signs when Amon would turn into that horrible monster she used to know so well in Kraków-Płaszów. Deep inside she knew that he had changed before they had left Poland but somehow she didn't dare to believe that the incredible change would last forever. However, as the days went by, she had to realise that that new Amon arrived in Vienna. He was kind, patient and polite – and although his obsession for her was just as passionate as before, it was not followed by violence. Maybe he feels that he cannot do such things that he had allowed himself to do in the camp, she thought, now he is only a man like everyone else around him, free people, who could do what they wanted to do, and he is not the commandant of hundreds of prisoners anymore.

For her surprise, she often felt the urge to talk to him about all those new things, she wanted to discuss everything with him and share her experiences with him – and it frightened her deeply.

When and why did he become so important to me, she asked herself with a little anger, and she couldn't understand herself. She knew that Amon was the only familiar person in her new life and it was obvious that somehow she was attached to him despite the horrible memories. But she also knew very well that it was more than that. She couldn't trust him completely, she was still afraid of him but she felt some kind of attraction that was something new and that grew deeper and deeper by every day.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter 13.

Life was starting slowly to become normal for Helena.

It was not easy because she still could not believe that she had been able to leave the concentration camp of Kraków-Płaszów, Poland, and the maddening fear, behind. It was really unbelievable – as if she had suddenly appeared in a fantastic dream, in a dreamworld, where there was no war, where no one wanted to kill her for her descent. It was so hard to believe that she was free from the horrors of the camp, free from Herr Kommandant's endless torture, from the danger of being murdered only for being a member of another nation, for being a Jew.

For the first time in many years, since Hitler received the power, she felt safe. She could not be completely sure about that but somehow she felt it. All she knew was that Herr Kommandant saved her life by taking her out of the camp and by hiding her in a peaceful city where people seemed to forget about the war. He has risked his life and actually he is still risking his own life, she thought, however, possibly no one would believe that he, the Nazi Kommandant, the ex-commandant of a concentration camp has saved and is giving refuge to a Jew.

It will be over, Mother always told us, and it seems that she was right. I am not completely calm, I will never be, but this is a new beginning and I want to use my chance.

Doing the household chores of cleaning the flat, washing clothes, doing the washing-up and doing the shopping slowly turned into a comfortable and soothing routine, just as her spending at least one hour in the living-room in the afternoon, simply sitting by the window, enjoying the warm sunshine and reading more and more pages of wonderful books. It was Amon's request for her to find enough time for entertainment and she didn't want to disobey.

Helena loved reading since she was a little child, since she saw and listened to her parents telling fantastic tales and stories, reading them up from books or using their memory. She remembered so well how excited she had been on her first day at school, where she had known that she would be taught to read and write. It was one of the most exciting adventures for her and she kept reading everywhere when she could find time. For a short period of time, she had been writing a diary but as soon as the war had broken out, she hadn't felt like writing about her days anymore. She had kept on losing her friends and relatives, the fear had become bigger and sharper every day, and then her family had ended in the camp.

Now she was simply shocked and deeply ashamed, that at that moment, in the middle of a brutal war against her people, she had the unbelievable opportunity to enjoy peace, safety and calmness around her and to bury herself into books, just as she used to do before the war. She found herself in a completely different and new life that she became used to for many years.

She felt guilty that she could just sit down and read a book while other people, babies, children, grown-up and old people, were already dead or they were dying and suffering somewhere all over in Europe - although she was unable to resist the printed pages and she knew that it was not her fault that she was given a new chance to live.

Two days after their arrival in Vienna, Amon made a phone call and asked two of the servants from the Goeth house to bring his selected collection of books over from his family home into his new one.

The two muscular men needed a whole morning to carry the dozens of huge wooden boxes containing of about two hundred volumes up into the flat, then to organise them on the newly purchased bookcases in the living-room. Helena could not believe her ears when Amon shared his plan with her in such a casual, simply manner as if she was a friend of his – and not his Jewish servant he used to beat up and torture every day - and she could not believe her eyes when she finally saw the bookshelves, filled with so many books.

There were dozens of volumes of classic German, French and German poems and novels, thick books about history, geography, nature and arts, albums of paintings, sculptures and architecture, folk tales and sagas. Instead of Mein Kampf or other national socialistic books and newspapers, she found precious, real literature and scientific works.

\- How do you like it, Helena? – Amon asked her with a little smile.

Helena took up her courage and looked at him shyly and she was fairly surprised to notice the kind, lovely, almost caring man in him. He behaved, talked and smiled like a gentleman of perfect upbringing. Don't let yourself fooled by him, it is still him, the butcher of Kraków-Płaszów, she whispered to herself, but this voice became weaker and weaker as his handsome facial features and his attractive smile did not change and she felt that she would not be able to resist him now. She hated that.

Amon seemed to be really proud of himself and he could also see clearly in her huge shining eyes that she was completely surprised and astonished as she was staring at the books. She did not expect to see such an intellectual library in the home of a Nazi Kommandant.

Helena was a little scared to express her joy completely and freely because she didn't want to disappoint him or to get into trouble either. She was absolutely shocked to see how intelligent Amon was, picking and collecting such wonderful and interesting books throughout his life, while the compulsory Nazi literature was totally missing. Maybe he had left those books at home on purpose, she thought, maybe he doesn't want to disturb me with those ones, but how come he has become so thoughtful and tolerant towards me so suddenly?

Amon, however, was satisfied with her reaction even though she did not say a word. It surprised him as well because he possessed a well-formed self-criticism and he knew very well that patience had never been something that would characterize him the best.

\- I would like you to know that this is yours as well. – his smile at her became more tender while showing around with his hand. - You can come and pick any of these books whenever you feel like. Anytime, even in the middle of the night.

Helena could whisper only a few words. She felt breathless and a little dizzy. What had happened to this man, she wondered, he has changed completely. Or is it just a nasty plan to put me into an uncomfortable or dangerous situation? Since they had left the camp, an alarm bell kept on ringing in her mind every time when he behaved in a kind and polite manner to her - it was too early to trust him and his fascinating change of character. Am I dreaming, she asked herself again.

\- Thank you so much, Herr Kommandant. It is really kind and thoughtful of you.

She didn't want to look ungrateful or to awake his anger, that was why she forced herself to speak, although she decided not to touch any of the books. I don't want to walk into a trap before he could change his mind and maybe punish me for touching and reading his books, holding them in my dirty Jewish hands, she thought.

But Amon didn't let her deceive him.

On the same afternoon he invited her to the bookshelf and chose a book specially for her. It was a thin book of old German folk tales.

\- Please, read it. Just a few pages. I am sure you will find it interesting. You like tales, don't you? Everyone likes them, especially girls.

Helena loved reading tales but she was scared to admit anything to Amon. She expressed her gratitude for the book, took it out of his hand carefully, and sat down into the armchair as Amon told her so. He occupied the other armchair opposite her and he was watching her with a kind of curiosity and a strange smile on his lips. She felt so uncomfortable as if she had been standing naked in front of him and she found it really hard to concentrate on the first tale.

It was only seven pages long and she hurried to read it as quickly as possible, to be able to get rid of Amon and his dark hungry eyes, especially in her rather awkward situation. Amon seemed to be impatient as if he had been waiting for something. He was watching her observantly and before she could have finished the last page, he jumped up and walked close to her.

\- How did you like it?

Helena was trembling – not only her body, but her voice as well.

\- It was really nice. Thank you for allowing me to read it.

Amon tried to encourage her with his smile but actually it just made her scared even more. She could not understand his kindness.

\- I guess you have similar tales, I mean Jewish tales. Your people are big story-tellers, as far as I remember.

She was so close to faint and she wanted to run away, as far from him as possible. Why did he bring up my descent and my people again, she wondered and she felt how the fear in her stomach started to grow. He will beat me again, she was so sure, he will be angry with the Jews again and he will turn into that raging brutal demon as he used to be in Poland.

\- Of course, Herr Kommandant.

Finally Amon noticed her physical weakness, her pale face and shivering hands, holding the book, and he let her leave.

\- I am sorry for troubling you with my questions. Just enjoy your book and come back for more. – he smiled at her, then he turned around and left the room quickly, murmuring about some paperwork he wanted to finish before dinner.

Helena was unable to understand why he allowed her to read his books, why it was so important for him that she would read and enjoy reading. She needed all her strength to go out of the room and find some peace in her bedroom. She did not dare to leave the book on the table, she took it with herself and put it on her bed carefully.

She was scared again. Not as much as before, but he managed to frighten her with his courteous, lovely, unselfish manner. She wondered how long it would last and when his mask would fall apart.

However, as more and more days passed by, she had to realise that the things had really changed.

Nightmares were still torturing her, sometimes she woke up shaking and crying softly, but it was getting better, especially when she could experience and feel deep inside her soul that Amon had really left his cruelty and madness in Poland.

It was not a mirage. He never raised his voice or his hand, he never beat her or shout at her again. He left her enough freedom and he felt it fairly quickly when he made her uncomfortable somehow and he was polite enough to make some excuse and set her free from the awkward situation without hesitation. Only one thing had not changed at all: his insatiable attention towards her. He was often staring at her and the hunger in his eyes were the same deep as in Kraków-Płaszów. However now it did not frighten her as much as it used to because she could realise that he did not do anything, he did not approach or threaten her anymore.

She became almost completely calm during the daytime, even when she was outside the flat, surrounded by different kinds of people: housewives, soldiers, merchants, elegant ladies and street children. By mid-summer she didn't feel the urge to turn around if she was followed or not, or to examine the people's face around her if they suspected that she was a Jew, and she was sure that finally she could feel safe.

Her conversations with Amon very slowly became longer and longer. The topic was mainly the household in the beginning, however, their love for literature and poems founded a way to build a kind of shy friendship between them. Helena would never call it a friendship but she could admit that Amon was trying hard to talk to her, encouraging her to read and to tell about her thoughts, and even though she didn't understand his reasons, she started to become less nervous and less shy in his company.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter 14.

Almost a month after Amon's and Helena's arrival in Vienna, Mrs Goeth, his mother decided that it was high time to pay a visit and she was insisting on spending the evening in her son's new home. She told her intentions to him on the phone while Helena was in the downtown, doing some shopping at the groceries.

Amon decided not to object – he managed to finish work that week earlier than before, he had the opportunity to relax enough to be able to entertain his guest for a longer period of time than ten minutes, he was happy to see his mother and talk to her personally again and to be honest, he was really eager to show Helena to her.

A little before finishing their dinner (as they always had their meals together, Amon insisted on it) while he was drinking some wine and Helena was playing with her tea cup, he brought the topic up.

\- This Saturday we are going to have a guest. My mother, actually.

Helena did not reply. She had heard a few words about his mother and she had been expecting her to pay a short visit. If she had been Mrs Goeth, she had visited her son much earlier. She was waiting for his instructions now.

\- I hope you don't mind it. – Amon continued after a short pause. - There is going to be a little fuss around, knowing her. She is a lovely and caring lady, but a little too curious sometimes.

Helena looked at him confused. Why do you bother about my opinion if I mind her coming or not, her eyes were asking.

\- I am your maid. I am here to fulfil my tasks that you give me. – now she replied, without thinking.

Amon's eyes narrowed a little and he seemed to try to swallow his first thoughts, then he said slowly while watching her deeply.

\- Yes, you are right, you are my maid. Anyway, prepare some simple dishes. Soup, some chicken, dessert. My mother likes fruit soup and sweets with chocolate. Make her feel great.

\- I will do my best, Herr Kommandant. – Helena whispered in embarrassment under his close attention.

She knew that she was a great cook and she kept the flat in order, no wonder, as her mother had taught her very well how to be an amazing housewife, still now she became nervous. She was sure that Mrs Goeth wanted to check the household and the person who ran it as well. She didn't want her to be dissatisfied with her and her work or to bring shame on Herr Kommandant either.

\- Let her see how well you treat her son so she shouldn't worry about me – Amon added with a little naughty smile.

It made Helena more confused, her face blushed a little and even though she didn't move, it was obvious that she would have loved to escape from the room. Now she didn't say a word, she was just eyeing the floor and the short passage leading to the door, hoping that Amon would not demand for an answer.

Amon didn't mind that she remained silent and he realised how awkward she might be feeling, but he didn't want her to leave. He wanted to enjoy her company a little longer, to have a conversation with her, to watch her, and he changed the topic suddenly. It often happened when he saw or suspected that somehow he managed to embarrass her.

\- What are you reading now?

She told him the title: Im Westen Nichts Neues (All Quiet on the Western Front) by Erich Maria Remarque. She was not really keen on war stories, especially not in the middle of another war, but she noticed the slightly crumpled pages and realised that Amon had read the novel many times. Somehow she became curious why he had found a book so interesting that he was able to read it again and again.

\- How do you like it?

She didn't lie yet she chose to keep her eyes on her empty plate.

\- It is really interesting, Herr Kommandant.

Amon was still examining her face and a little smile was lurking on his lips. She cannot tell a lie, he thought, she cannot lie about her thoughts or her feelings, her face always betrays her.

\- Tell me honestly. That is not really your taste, right?

Helena looked at him now and looking into his eyes made her surprised. He looks so loving now, as he is trying to make a conversation again, she thought, he behaves as if I were a friend of his and not his maid. Not only she found his mischievous smile and his handsome face fairly attractive, but she almost smiled back at him automatically. That sudden discovery frightened her so much that she felt like being frozen on her chair. What has just happened to me, she asked herself angrily, am I going out of my mind?

Giving a proper reply in that moment seemed to be a huge effort for her, but she didn't want to be unpolite.

\- I must confess you are right.

Amon kept a close eye-contact with her, sensing something strange was going on inside her.

\- You have the right to say no if you feel like.

Now Helena couldn't help herself and she looked at him again, with huge innocent eyes, even though in her voice there must have been heard a little sharp tone and astonishment.

\- Really?

You say that I have the right to say no to you, she was fuming with a little anger, you cannot be serious! If I had said no to you only once, I would be already dead, I would have been dead for months! Her fascination of his smile disappeared quickly and she felt he was playing with her again. She wanted to leave more than ever but she was unable to move.

Now it was Amon who seemed to feel embarrassed.

\- I am sorry. You are right when you doubt my words. I used to be unable to accept your refusal but now it is different. It is really different. You can refuse anything, without a punishment. – he added the last three words on a softer voice and that softness was clearly seen in his dark eyes.

Helena could not believe either her ears or her eyes.

He said sorry, whatever he has just said sounds totally crazy, she thought, what is going on with him? His eyes show such tenderness just when he said 'thank you' to me on the train, when he told me that I had saved his life. She wondered if it were some stupid games on her again but somehow she knew now that it was not the case. Since they left Poland, Amon had stopped playing his nasty games and if she wanted to be true, she had to admit that he actually had quit his games even before their leaving the camp. That time it had not been obvious and she had been unable to realise that, but nowadays when she was thinking about their past, she could see the truth.

\- Thank you. – that was all she could say and she felt like being strangled. Tears were pricking her eyes and her throat and she wished he would let her go.

Suddenly Amon stood up.

\- Thank you for the dinner, Helena. It was really fine. I think I am going to bed now, I feel a little tired. Good night. – then he left so quickly that he didn't even wait for her reply. His face was still calm, though not without any tenseness.

Helena was watching him with a strange feeling in her stomach.

He has changed so much, she admitted, he is able to show some mercy, care and tenderness, still he seems to be scared of these changes. Maybe I am mistaken, but I am also scared of these changes because I am afraid that one day he will realise that this man is not him and that he will turn back into that monster. She tried to persuade herself that that horrible future would never come but she couldn't be sure. She had experienced too much brutality by his side.

She did the washing-up quickly and hurried into her bed.

She had no patience for reading that evening – she kept on thinking of his eyes, his words, all the loveable things he had said and done. She wanted to sleep and to think about something else, but her brain couldn't stop. She didn't know what was going on inside her and inside him – she just wanted to sleep and relax. It was almost midnight when she finally fell asleep, wondering if a man is really able to change completely. She didn't believe that but deep inside she felt that it might happen. She was thinking of his and her own change of attitude towards the man who used to torture her so horribly.

The remaining days till the dinner passed quickly. Helena was busy with planning and preparing the dishes and making the whole flat shiny-clean. Amon was really satisfied with her work and he praised her several times that made her proud and scared at the same time. She was looking forward to finishing that night and getting into her bed unharmed.

Saturday and Mrs Goeth came. She was a polite, elegant lady, speaking softly with a lovely smile, even though her impatience was seen in the quick movements of her hands as she touched her son's face, her bag or the flowers that Amon had bought for her. Her pretty features reminded Helena of her son, especially her open blue eyes and her lips. She was tall and slender, and her sharp, still humorous remark about her son's weight made Helena smile. She could hide that smile quickly, wondering what kind of outward and inward characteristics Amon inherited from his father if he looked so similar to Mrs Goeth.

After the quick reception and introduction, Amon asked Helena to bring the dinner as soon as possible and he showed the flat to his mother, before taking her into the living-room. They were talking and having their dinner together while Helena was serving their dishes or staying in the kitchen preparing the next course. Amon knew how awfully nervous Helena was (his mother's eagle-like staring at Helena and each of her moves did not help either) that was why he didn't force her to join them at the table.

After Helena served the coffee, then left the room gracefully, Mrs Goeth showed around with her long fingers.

\- I love this little flat but it would need a female hand.

Amon laughed.

\- Mother! What an idea! I don't want to live in a boudoir or something. What do you miss? A velvet sofa, more flowers or a puppy?

Mrs Goeth looked at him with a patient smile. She loved her son and she wanted the best for him.

\- That was not what I meant. You should get married. You need someone in your life, who takes care of you, who loves you.

Amon laughed even more.

\- Why should I? I have been married twice. Neither of them worked.

The old lady seemed to be rather stubborn.

\- Maybe the third will be the true one. You are simply too young to live your life alone.

\- Don't forget that I am not alone. Helena is with me. – Amon pointed that out with a calm smile.

Mrs Goeth gave out an unsatisfied sigh.

\- She is just a maid.

Amon leaned back on his chair now, watching his mother deeply. His handsome face expressed some tension that was not there a moment before.

\- She is not just a maid. She has given me more love, care and attention than any women in this world. – there was more passion in his voice that he intended to show but it was too late.

\- I don't think so. – Mrs Goeth said, not hiding her growing surprise. It was rather very long ago when she could last hear Amon talk about a woman that passionate way. She wanted to know more about Helena before she arrived and now after his last words that desire for knowledge started to burn inside her.

Amon took a deep breath and at the next moment the confession broke out of him like a long-concealed secret. He knew it was too late to deny or escape therefore he chose to be completely honest with her. Hopefully she will stop asking more questions or torturing me with the idea of a new marriage

\- I know so. She is the only one I would marry. I am in love with her and I love her with all my dirty heart.

Mrs Goeth didn't think much. She found the girl pretty, smart and polite, she could experience that Helena could cook and bake well and kept the flat and her careless son tidy and clean. She must have been the one who ironed his shirt and his uniform, not Amon. She would already be a wonderful wife, mother and housewife, and even if she is not that daughter-in-law that I could take to a higher society event, as aristocratic girls won't go to serve, she thought, but who cares if she makes Amon happy? She could accompany me to the theatre, she must be a fairly bright girl, if my son chose her and took her all along from Poland, if he talks about her with such admiration and passion.

\- Then marry her. – she said simply.

Amon's face remained expressionless though his eyes mirrored deep sadness. Mrs Goeth knew her son well enough to explore pain behind that sorrowful glance.

\- I can't.

\- Why not?

\- She doesn't love me.

Mrs Goeth looked at him completely confused.

\- You have just said that she has given you more love than anyone.

Amon felt it was high time he smoked a cigarette. He picked one out of the pocket lying on the table beside his glass, and lit it quickly. His fingers were trembling a little and he felt the tension pouring all over his veins.

\- Yeah, she has. It is difficult… she cannot fall in love with me.

Mrs Goeth suspected there was something she had never been told about but now all she wanted to know was the reason. She didn't notice any signs of Helena's loving her son, but she trusted his words.

\- And you don't want to marry her without that?

Amon shook his head, then blew a puff of smoke into the air.

\- No, I cannot do that. If she wants to be mine, I will marry her immediately. Otherwise it is impossible.

Mrs Goeth remained silent for a long moment, thinking about his words and she tried to put the little pieces together. She couldn't.

\- I don't understand.

Amon leaned forward but he paid attention not to blow smoke towards his mother. His mother may have known him better than any other people, she knew what his job had been, but she had not been there in Poland, she had never seen him on the battlefields or in the concentration camp. She was a religious woman who never hated Jews and who despised the Nazi regime but she always chose to hide it for the sake of her son. Despite that, Amon didn't want her to know Helena's real story – not right now at least.

\- Mother, listen to me and I am begging let's finish it now. Helena can't love me. Maybe she doesn't hate me that much as she saved my life, but she will never love me, especially not as a woman should love her husband. I am a damned monster for her, I was horrible to her in Poland. No matter what I will do in the rest of my life, I will never be able to put my mistakes right.

While they were talking, Helena was standing breathless on the other side of the door, sticking to the wall. She could hear every single word without eavesdropping, and she was shaking all over her body. She could hardly stand and she was unable to move. She was just biting her bottom lips, being close to crying.

She knew very well that Amon had been obsessed with her since their first encounter in the concentration camp, but she had never heard him talk about her or about his feelings for her this way. His voice was full of desperate passion and true, unselfish care. It sounded less like mindless obsession and more than… she didn't dare to finish the sentence in her head. Does he love me, she wondered, and why do I care if he does?


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter 15.

After finishing the coffee Mrs Goeth stayed for ten more minutes, then she decided to leave. Amon didn't object – he felt exhausted enough after pouring his heart out to her and he just wanted to go to bed and sleep. He didn't plan to share his confession of love to anyone, not even to his mother, it was only a sudden decision, caused by a little annoyance.

At the door, before leaving, Mrs Goeth shook hands with Helena, who came to say goodbye and passed a small packet of sweets to the old lady.

\- Thank you for the wonderful dinner, dear. I haven't eaten such delicious meals for a long time. – Mrs Goeth said watching Helena deeply with a soft, heartwarming smile. – You and your hands are worth pure gold.

Helena blushed a little, especially when noticing Amon's meaningful eyes on herself. She could clearly see how proud he was of her but she also saw something more: his insatiable hunger for her. For a moment, she wondered whether he had any idea about the fact that she had heard his confession. She looked back at Mrs Goeth, trying to ignore him and all the things he had told about her.

\- Thank you, Madame, you are really kind. Good night.

\- Good night.

When they left, as Amon took his mother home in his car, Helena did the washing-up and put the living-room into its usual order as quickly as possible. She didn't know how long Herr Kommandant would stay away but she wanted to be done with her task before he would enter the flat.

She wanted to go to bed immediately, curling under the blanket like a little child, but she knew well that she had to wait for Amon to arrive home.

Every minute seemed to be an hour and waiting became more and more difficult and frustrating. She was afraid of his way of behaviour. What if he knew that I had heard their conversation, she thought with a shivering stomach, what if he wants to repeat his confession and if he wants me to face his emotions? What if he wants an answer from me? What if he were furious and horrible to me again that I cannot express the same passionate feelings towards him?

Deep inside she knew very well that she shouldn't have felt any fear at all as she could remember Amon's confession so clearly as if he had spoken those unbelievable words only a moment ago. He doesn't want to force me to love him or to marry him, he shows such an astonishing patience that I could have never imagined about him to possess, she reminded herself, but then a dark voice spoke in her head: what if his patience ends soon? What if he lied to his own mother? No, she shook her head, he is not a liar, he never was, not even when he was so cruel to me. Still, she was unable to soothe herself.

Her fear was useless anyway.

Amon came home in a quarter of an hour, expressed his gratitude for the dinner and all her work with simple words but meaningful glances, then he said goodbye to her. He didn't seem to feel like talking or sharing anything that night – especially not his emotions towards her or his love confession.

He had a quick shower, then he went to bed immediately, closing the door of his bedroom firmly. His face looked really serious and dark, although a little tired smile was visible on his lips that soothed Helena a bit.

Both of them were lying in their bed sleeplessly.

He was thinking of her, facing his passionate love towards a Jewish girl that could mean immediate death for both of them, while Helena was thinking of him, wondering about his change of character, about his reasons to feel love for her, being unable to analyse her own emotions towards him.

She was scared of realising that she could not hate him as much as she had hated him back in the camp – she was scared more of realising that she felt something more, something deeper towards him. She knew very well that it was more than gratitude for his saving her life and taking her out of the concentration camp and out of Poland. She tried to push those thoughts away but they kept on returning back.

I mustn't love him, he is my enemy, he tortured me so many times, so brutally, so mercilessly, she thought close to tears while recalling the memories, however she had to admit that she felt something warm and curious deep inside her heart when she remembered the way he was talking about her to his mother, the way he had made her escape Poland, how he had almost begged her to join him, when she recalled his unbelievable passion for her.

No matter for what kind of reason he saved my life and defended me, she thought, because one thing is true: he risked his own life for me and actually he risks his own life for me every day. Is it really worth for him, she wondered, as he receives nothing from me but downcast eyes, rare small smiles, a clean flat and delicious meals that any other pure German or Viennese housekeeper could give – or they could give even much more: safety, love, sex.

For a single moment, when finally she allowed herself to admit feeling a kind of love towards Amon, she had to run away again.

Even if he loved me, and if I loved him, nothing could happen between us. He is a Nazi commandant, a murderer, a soldier of Hitler, and I am a Jew, a useless and worthless slave in his world, there is still a war going on, she murmured to herself, and even if we were able to make peace with each other, his world would never let us experience some happiness together. For her astonishment, she felt sadness and it made her angry with herself. What a shame it would be, she thought, being in love with a Nazi. I am simply crazy, I am blinded by something, she tried to defend herself, I have seen so much pain and torture and now I am starting to get weak and to long for some peace and kindness, that must be the only reason that I am able to feel something I stupidly dare to call love.

She had to admit that Amon had really changed much, that he was able to be kind, caring, intelligent and interesting, but it was still so hard to forget who he was, how he used to behave and treat her like a piece of nothing.

Next morning both of them woke up mentally and physically exhausted.

Amon was happy that it was Sunday therefore he didn't have to go to work and he had the freedom to stay in bed all day if he wanted to. After having breakfast he returned to his bedroom, reading a new novel he had received from one of his friends last week, writing some letters and sleeping a little more until lunchtime.

Helena could relax as well – she had fewer things to do and she didn't have to feel Amon's inquiring glances on herself as he was spending his time alone. Her thoughts were still dancing around Amon, no matter how hard she was trying to make them disappear, at least for a short time.

When they met at lunch time, she didn't dare to look at him, although she could feel that he was unable to take his eyes off from her while she was serving the only course: potatoes, chicken and fresh cucumber salad. She knew now that Amon liked the simplest dishes and that he never minded eating the same courses for the following day as well. She liked how he spared his money and how he liked living the simple life she used to know when she had lived with her family.

When they finished the lunch, they had a cup of coffee that this time Amon prepared and served himself – he insisted on that.

\- My mother really likes you, you know. – Amon spoke suddenly.

Helena couldn't reply or look at him, she just took a deep breath to show that she was listening.

\- She was talking about you all the way back home. I am sure that she wishes you were her housekeeper.

Helena spoke on a weak voice:

\- It would be a pleasure, Herr Kommandant, to serve such a fine, intelligent lady like Mrs Goeth.

\- Even though she knows that you are a Jew. – Amon added.

Helena got scared immediately, she forgot to breathe and she grabbed her spoon so hard that her fingers turned to white. She felt as if the dining room had suddenly started to rock around her like a fragile boat on a stormy ocean. It is the end, she thought shivering, I knew that this wonderful dream could never last long. She could have screamed wildly in her disappointment and fear.

Amon reached for her hand and put his own on hers softly for a long second before he noticed how terribly pale she became because of his touch, and then he put his hand back on the table. He enjoyed feeling her soft skin but he could see that his touch didn't bring such an amazing experience to her as it did to him.

\- You don't have to worry about her. She always keeps my secrets.

Helena couldn't but look into his eyes.

What other secrets you can have, she wondered feeling shocked, besides killing and torturing Jewish people? She was unable to believe that Amon would tell his mother such things. She was not afraid of the possibility of Mrs Goeth's betraying her – she started to be afraid of Amon's past. How come I have never thought about it before, she was asking herself, such a brutal man must have done horrible things before the war as well.

\- Your secrets. – she said weakly.

Amon was staring back at her and she could notice some kind of embarrassment in his shining blue eyes for a moment. He tried to smile at her but experiencing her visible fear and horror, in his own head some disturbing thoughts started to emerge that made him feel petrified. I am losing her again, he thought bitterly, it shouldn't have happened this way.

\- Now you are scared of me even more.

Helena didn't reply, she felt as if she had lost her voice but her eyes showed the answer. She was just wondering how he could know what she was thinking of.

Amon swallowed hard but he kept the close eye contact with her.

\- The worst things you already know. You have seen them.

And I have experienced them, Helena added without a sound.

\- The worst was what I have done to you. And I am so sorry about them… I know that you will never forgive me and I understand it, I really do, I just wish you could trust me that I am trying to give something good to you now. – he was speaking faster and faster.

Helena was much more shocked and astonished than a minute before. Did he say that he was sorry for his brutality, she kept on asking herself, and he really looks feeling sorry. For a second, she felt a tremendous urge to stand up, walk to him and put her arms around him as close as possible – that frightened her so much that she was close to tears. What is so wrong with me, she asked bitterly, why am I feeling this way?

Amon saw her tearful eyes and he thought that he had hurt her with his words. It made him nervous and worried. He had no idea how he could soothe her or calm her down and the only option seemed to be his leaving the room immediately.

\- I am sorry, Helena, I didn't want to hurt you, I am just leaving you alone before I do more damage. – and he hurried out of the room as quickly as if he had been chased by hungry wolves.

Actually he was, chased by his own desire for her, as he wanted to take her into his arms and shower her with his kisses to soothe her. He knew well what was going on with him – he knew he was in love with Helena.

Helena remained on her chair like a frozen doll.

Amon's behaviour, his expression of sorrow and guilt of conscience, his running away from her was something she had never experienced before. He had changed a lot, she could have heard an unbelievable confession about his love for her, and now another new slice of his character was just shown to her. He chose to leave her alone with her thoughts rather than to stay sitting next to her and make her feel even worse. She could see that he did care about her but he thought that he would have made more trouble if he had stayed beside her. It seemed to be too much for her.

She was grateful for Herr Kommandant to leave her alone while she felt falling into pieces, and also to respect her emotions, but at the same time she felt really disappointed with him that he didn't stay with her and he didn't wrap his arms around her, promising that he would never let her go and that he would defend her till his last breath. That was the point when she started crying.

I am totally crazy, she said to herself, I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am in love with my enemy, my cruel enemy, who took me out of the concentration camp and who saved my life. But she had to admit that it was far more than his saving her life – his character, his ability to change, his beauty all turned her heart towards him. She could see him in such a new way she had never before and this overwhelming experience was sort of suffocating her. You made me fall for you, Herr Kommandant, she thought choking in bitter tears, how much I would love to hate you for that, but I cannot.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter 16.

When Helena was able to stop crying, she dared to leave the living-room and creep into her bedroom on tiptoes like a thief. She climbed under her blanket without changing her clothes and she fell asleep almost immediately. She felt really exhausted mentally and she felt it even in her bones.

The following morning Amon left early.

When Helena got up at half past six, combed her hair, put on a fresh dress and went to the kitchen, Amon had already gone to work, leaving only a short letter on the table.

She picked up the paper and held it among her shivering fingers while reading his elegantly formed handwriting:

„Dear Helena,

I received an urgent call and I had to leave earlier. I don't know when I arrive home, so don't wait up for me.

Amon"

It felt so strange that he had written his first name only to finish his letter, Helena thought, and she wondered how deep she must have been sleeping that she hadn't woken up by the telephone.

She was trying hard not to think of Amon but it was impossible.

She did all the housework just to keep herself busy and still he was in all her thoughts. She felt ashamed that she wanted to see him so much meanwhile she wished he would come home so late that she wouldn't be able to stay awake. She was so curious how he would behave and what he would say after last night and still she was so scared of his kindness and attention. She had to admit that the more care and tenderness he showed towards her, the deeper she fell for him. Not if I hadn't fallen for him enough, she scolded herself but she decided not to lie to herself anymore.

In Kraków-Płaszów she would have never dared to go to bed before Amon had allowed her to go but in Vienna she knew that she had the freedom to do that – actually almost whatever she would want to do. Herr Kommandant asked me not to wait up for him, she thought, and I know that he meant it. In the depth of her mind she suspected that he had wanted to avoid meeting her after the uncomfortable last night they had had because he hadn't wanted her to feel that miserable again. Still she felt that she wanted to see him, to hear his kind voice, to show him that she was able to behave herself.

It was half past nine when Amon arrived home.

Helena was sitting in the kitchen, reading a book and waiting for him impatiently. She was afraid that he would stay away from the flat with intention as long as possible. Maybe he was watching if the lights were still on or not, and he wouldn't come up into the flat until he could be sure that I am already sleeping, she thought and at the next moment she felt ridiculous, thinking, how confused she became during the last twenty-four hours. He would never run away from me, he wouldn't have to hide away from me, she added bitterly, I am nothing but a housemaid, this is his home, I am his possession as well.

And suddenly the door opened and Amon entered the hall.

He may have been surprised to find Helena awake but he didn't show a sign of that. He saw the lights in the kitchen and it made him smile. He had a long, busy day and he was happy to see the only person he wanted to have beside him.

Helena was hesitating what to do but then she hurried out of the kitchen into the hall to greet him, because she didn't want to appear impolite.

\- Good evening, Herr Kommandant. – she blushed and helped him take off his coat.

\- Good evening, Helena. It is really kind of you to wait for me, however I wrote to you not to. – Amon scolded her playfully, with a kind smirk on his lips.

Helena felt ashamed again and looked at the floor, at his shiny boots. In Kraków-Płaszów Herr Kommandant always had had his boots cleaned by some Jewish boys by breakfast time but in Vienna he cleaned and polished his shoes and boots himself. How much he did really change, she thought.

\- I am sorry…

Amon stepped closer to her, smiling.

\- Don't be sorry, I am glad that you care about me. May I have something for dinner? I didn't have much time to eat and I confess I am really hungry.

He offered an opportunity to her to escape and get rid of her uncomfortable situation and she felt pure gratitude again. How lovely and caring of him, she thought at first, while starting to warm the meat balls and potatoes on the cooker, but then she felt ashamed of herself for feeling that special warmth towards him.

She was sitting opposite Amon, drinking her tea, while he was having his late dinner, but they didn't talk much. He asked her about her day, then he told her a little about his being busy with documents and complaints. The way he ate and spoke showed a little hurry in his movements. After that, they said goodbye and went to bed.

Two weeks passed and the things became calmer between Helena and Amon. Slowly they were able to talk again as they did before, their conversations turned into longer and longer while she didn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed.

During that time Mrs Goeth visited Helena once when his son was at work. They spent almost three hours together talking about books, theatre plays and music while walking in the nearby park and having a cup of coffee and a slice of Sacher cake in a popular coffee house.

Helena was completely astonished how calm and relaxed she could feel herself and how much she could enjoy the time with someone who was actually a complete stranger to her, what is more, the mother of a Nazi commandant. It was such a shocking experience to her to have a walk on the street in the Nazi Vienna, to walk, to chat and to have coffee among Nazi soldiers and sympathizers as if the war wouldn't exist at all. It surprised her indeed because before that she couldn't have imagined that that could happen and it also gave her hope that sometime in the future she would be able to behave and feel as confident as a true-born Viennese girl.

For one moment she wished she had been sitting with Amon on the bench, talking and enjoying the sunshine but this idea made her a little sad because she thought that that had to remain a simple dream. Mrs Goeth made her feel so comfortable and relaxed as if she had been with an old friend – Amon made her less nervous but much more excited because of their special connection, their secret past and their secret emotions.

Two days later Amon arrived home early in the afternoon.

Helena was just cleaning the windows, standing on the top of the ladder, singing softly, when he entered the room. She was so busy with wiping and singing, that she didn't even notice him.

Amon didn't want to scare her therefore he didn't greet her immediately – he was just standing at the door, watching her fragile body and her quick movements, listening to her lovely voice and that old Polish song that she must have learnt as a little girl. He remembered that she had never sung while doing the household chores in the concentration camp. Maybe she feels safe now, he thought happily, it cannot be anything else, just the feeling of freedom and safety.

Suddenly Helena turned towards the door and noticed him.

\- Oh, Herr Kommandant! I am sorry I didn't hear that you arrived… - she blushed and became frozen on the top of the ladder.

\- Don't worry, Helena. – Amon smiled at her tenderly. - Anyway I have a surprise for you. I don't know if it makes you happy or not, but I have two tickets for Ännchen von Tharau, tomorrow night. Would you come with me, please?

Helena felt dizzy and started to shiver all over her body. She remembered that moment in the park when she had wished she had been able to be sitting with Amon and spending time with him. She had never dared to admit how much she was enjoying his company since their arrival in Vienna even though she often felt like running away from him. And now her secret dream seemed to come true…

Herr Kommandant asked her to join him and watch a play in the theatre – it was simply unbelievable! Spending a wonderful evening in the theatre – and in his company! But why would he invite me, his simple housemaid when he could go with any beautiful Viennese girl or woman, she asked herself although she knew the answer. The way he was looking at her was full of tenderness and hope, filled with high expectations and she knew that she would rather die than to cause disappointment to him.

\- My mother told me that you love watching plays and I heard that in this season Ännchen von Tharau is especially great. – Amon added softly.

Helena felt extremely embarrassed, especially when she saw how Amon was watching her. Suddenly her feet started to shake. She became really frightened of losing her balance and falling down from the ladder, but at the next moment she became even more scared and shocked and it made her really fall.

She landed in Amon's arms – he caught her in time, holding her close to his body, watching her with his hungry eyes. His breath was warming her pale face and she could feel the warmth of his body around her. She wanted to run away and disappear but deep inside she could feel and hear every cell of her body screaming for more.

\- I am sorry, Helena, I didn't want to scare you…

He put her on the ground so slowly and carefully as if she had been a porcelain doll.

Helena felt so ashamed of herself for falling but she couldn't help admiring Amon how he didn't force himself upon her anymore even though she felt how much he wanted her. She could see how hungrily and hopelessly he was staring at her, she could feel how tenderly he touched her, she could hear how quickly he was breathing. Still she stiffened in his arms.

Amon was unable to take his hands off from Helena though he knew that he should have let her out of his arms as soon as possible before he would pull her closer and kiss her lips. He could also notice that she didn't try to run away from him as quickly as she did most of the time and it gave him a little hope that she might not refuse him and his invitation, however it also increased the danger that he would kiss her. He didn't want to spoil the relationship between them and while his whole body was aching from desire for her, he was working hard to keep himself to his previous promise.

\- I am sorry. – he whispered again and was about to let her go.

When Helena felt how his touch started to become looser around her and when she saw that he slipped his left foot behind as if he had wanted to leave her, she spoke:

\- Please, don't leave me… - she whispered back on a weak voice, looking at his chest with shaking more. She hoped that he would never suspect the real reason behind her request.

She was ashamed of herself again but at that moment she was unable to let him go. She wanted him to hold her so badly and this desire became burning within seconds that she felt completely weak and started to shake.

Amon thought that she was still so frightened of the falling that she needed more time to recover and he changed his mind: he kept his arms around her, holding her softly. He had no idea about her real intentions: staying in his arms because she wanted to feel his touch.

\- Don't worry, I am taking care of you. – he accompanied her to the closest armchair and helped her sit down, then took the other armchair, watching her close.

When Helena dared to lift her head and look into his eyes, she could see something that made her weak both mentally and physically.

He loves me and he cares about me, he really does, she thought with a shivering heart, and now it is much more than that physical desire he showed me in Kraków-Płaszów. She also had to understand her own feelings towards him: love, care, trust and desire. How ironic, she could laugh and cry at the thought at the same time, I crave for the man I used to hate and I used to want to kill and now he is the centre of my heart and my world. She wondered if Herr Kommandant had any ideas that she had fallen in love with him. But how could it have happened, how could both of us have changed so much since we left Poland? And even though we want and need each other, she asked bitterly, feeling like crying in disappointment, how could we have any chances to stay together in this world?


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter 17.

That night and the following night seemed to be like a beautiful dream to Helena. Amon behaved like a perfect gentleman on both nights, although it didn't make her surprised or astonished any more.

After that accident with the ladder, he did not ask any uncomfortable questions from her. He led her to her bed to relax and sleep a little and while she was drowsing, he prepared their simple dinner on his own. An hour later, when she woke up hungrily, he served the dinner himself and she was still so confused and shaken that she did not object.

She ate the food with automatic movements like a robot, she could not even feel the taste of the fish or the roasted potatoes and she kept her eyes on the tablecloth while feeling Amon's searching eyes on herself sometimes. She was wondering if it was a good idea to go to the theatre with Herr Kommandant, into the heart of the Nazi Vienna – even though she did want to see a play, she did want to enjoy a night at the famous theatre and to forget about the nightmare around them, and she did want to be with Amon. In the end she let herself flow with the events.

They spent the rest of the evening together, reading their books, sitting opposite each other in the living room, without looking at each other or having a conversation. She felt huge gratitude for Amon, for his incredible kindness and patience, and she couldn't help but steal a few secret glances on him when she felt safe to do that. How could that have happened at all, she wondered, that my torturer had become my defender, and someone… I love and crave for?

Helena returned to her bedroom when it was ten o' clock. When she stood up and said good night to him, his gentle smile and tender blue eyes, filled up with hope, warmed up her heart and almost made her cry.

\- Good night, Helena. Sleep tight because tomorrow you are going to have a long and exciting evening.

\- Good night, Herr Kommandant. – she replied weakly and left.

The following day passed quickly as Helena always had a lot to do. Amon gave up the idea of taking her into a restaurant, therefore they decided to have a light dinner before the play, but besides the regular housework, she also had to iron his best shirt, tie and trousers, after putting his jacket into its best shape. She wondered what she should wear in the theatre, but she had received a lovely, dark silver costume from Amon right after arriving in Vienna, and she thought he would want her to wear that piece.

Early in the afternoon Amon arrived back from work with a huge packet. He seemed to be completely calm however, deep inside he was as extremely nervous as Helena herself. Everything was going so well since they had left Poland, he thought, Helena allowed him to get closer to her, both mentally and physically, and she even accepted his invitation in spite of her fear from the outside world. He felt that he managed to make her trust him somehow but he was rather afraid of spoiling the situation between them – or rather of something or someone ruining it.

He put the packet on the kitchen table while Helena was watching it curiously. She had just finished doing the washing up and was drying her hands with a towel.

\- Won't you open it? – Amon looked at her.

Her surprise was obvious.

\- Why… is it mine?

Amon nodded with a big smile. She was behaving as a timid little girl and he liked that.

\- It is yours, yes.

Helena defeated her shyness and opened the large box with careful fingers. She didn't want to cause disappointment to him.

Her astonishment grew even bigger when she could see what was inside the packet. It was a pretty short-sleeved evening dress, falling down till the ankles, its peach colour and silky material reminded her of spring. She really loved it – it was just as simple and still elegant as she could imagine an evening dress should be.

\- It cannot be mine… - she said with hesitation.

Amon laughed playfully.

\- Of course, it is yours. I guess it is obvious that I didn't buy it for myself.

Helena was rather embarrassed because she knew well that the present must have been too expensive to be spent on a maid.

\- But I cannot accept it…

\- Why not? You need something elegant for a theatre visit, aren't I right?

She felt defeated and she couldn't help but agree.

\- You are right, Herr Kommandant, but…

Amon's smile shone so tenderly and still it frightened her a little. She kept on asking herself why he had spent so much money on her at all. Maybe he just wanted to make me happy, to make me feel normal, she thought, seeing the bliss on his face.

\- There is no but. If its price disturbs you, you don't have to worry about it because it was not expensive at all. My mother helped me to choose it and you could see that she is a woman of great taste, so you don't have to worry about your appearance. You will be the most beautiful lady and no one would dare to doubt your high rank.

His voice was fuelled by such passion that Helena had to look away. She was staring at the dress, her whole body was shaking slightly and no matter how hard she tried to stay calm, it was impossible. His openly expressed emotions and desire towards her always frightened her and her own desire to go with him scared her more. Something must happen tonight, her sixth sense whispered to her, something will happen that will change our lives.

Amon seemed to ignore her excitement and he asked her to go to her bedroom and try on the dress – in case a dressmaker's needle would be needed. The dress suited her perfectly, she assured him from the other side of the wall and Amon didn't force her to come and show herself to him immediately. He knew he could be watching her all night long until they say goodbye at the end of the day and the thought made him smile.

That evening Helena felt as if she had been a princess. She was treated that way by Amon. She received a beautiful dress, some decent make-up to put on her face if she wanted to, and even a bouquet of white roses. They took a taxi to the theatre and she could admire the building of the Burgtheater, its luxury and beauty that made her forget that outside those walls, a war was destroying the world.

Amon was holding her arm tenderly on his own as if she were his wife, and he asked her to stop calling him "Herr Kommandant" for that night and to use the name Amon instead. She promised she would use his name but deep inside she knew that she would be unable to pronounce his first name simply.

She really loved the play (even though she could have enjoyed any plays as the actors and the actresses were the best and the most talented ones of the country) and she felt she had never had a more enjoyable evening for such a long time.

However, there was a moment that ruined her happiness.

During the second break, she noticed that some of the theatregoers wore Nazi uniforms. It was not an unusual sight in Vienna as Nazi flags, uniforms, greetings and salutes were everywhere, on the streets, in the shops, in the offices, in the museums, at schools, in the cafés or in the parks. It was everywhere but for the first time, it shook her and slapped her on the face as an alarm ring. There is no safety from the Nazi monster, she thought, and for the first time it was not Amon whom she labelled as monster.

The last drop was a short encounter between them and a Nazi soldier, an old schoolmate of Amon. The cheerful-looking man was talking to Amon as if only a few days had passed since they last met in the grammar school, but Helena felt something strange and alarming in the man's eyes when he stared at her. Maybe it was only paranoia but she didn't like that feeling and she felt herself in danger. He knows that I am Jewish, I feel it, and it was such a stupid idea to bring me here, out of the house, out of the safety, into the crowd, she realised, it would just awake the people's curiosity, especially that of those people who know Amon. Besides feeling fear, she felt some anger too. Many people must have known Amon's wife, some of them probably had heard about his divorce and suddenly he appeared on the scene with a new woman whom no one knew…

Amon seemed not to realise any danger in that situation – at least he behaved as calmly and charmingly as during the whole day. He told her nothing after the man left and he was just asking her opinion of the play. She spoke little and Amon thought she was simply exhausted of the many new sensations.

When they arrived home, entered the hall and Amon closed the door behind them, Helena was watching him. It was so difficult to speak but she felt she needed to clarify everything that moment.

\- Herr Kommandant, I must tell you something.

Amon didn't even look at her while helping her take off her coat, then his own. He put the coats carefully on their hangers and smiled softly. He was feeling so happy after spending the evening with Helena, sharing so many new things together, being so close to her, holding her arm, feeling her scent and her touch, watching her face, her passionate eyes discovering the theatre, that he didn't even notice her anxiety.

\- I am listening, Helena.

She took a deep breath while her legs started to shake. I must stay strong, she remembered, I must do it for him and for myself.

\- Herr Kommandant, please, let me go.

Amon turned around and looked at her confused. He couldn't believe his ears.

\- Let you go?

Helena felt really ashamed but she felt that she had no other choice.

\- I must go away from here.

Amon didn't understand the situation. Since they had left Poland, Helena seemed to hate him less and she seemed to like him. He felt much less fear in her towards him than back in the concentration camp, she dared to stay in his company, she even asked him to stay with him and hold her in his arms! The evening in the theatre was so perfect, he wondered, she wasn't bothered by his touch, by his gentle behaviour towards her – then what had gone so wrong so suddenly?

\- But why?

Helena replied weakly.

\- I don't want to bring trouble on you.

Amon shook his head in confusion.

\- What do you mean? What trouble?

Her tongue seemed to give up working, it was so hard to pronounce the words.

\- I am scared that one day someone will find it out that I am Jewish and they will punish both of us. I don't want that. I don't want to wait for that day every day and I don't want to see you pay for bringing me out of the concentration camp. That man in the theatre, your classmate, he must suspect something, I am sure about it and everyone will wonder who I am, if I am your new girlfriend or mistress…

Even Amon felt how desperate he sounded when he cut into her speech.

\- But you are safe with me, I will take care of you. I promised it to you and I will keep this promise forever, you have nothing to worry about…

There was a strange, ferocious flame in her eyes that reminded her of that time back in the concentration camp of Kraków-Płaszów. She knew that he didn't want to lose her, he had never concealed it and the way he was watching her now made it obvious.

\- I trust you, Herr Kommandant, but I cannot trust other people…

Amon's breath stopped at that moment. His heart and his lungs felt so heavy in his chest as if they had been made of stone and lead.

\- You trust me?

They were staring at each other but this time Helena could tolerate his searching eyes on her and not even her voice shook when she replied:

\- I do…

\- I would have never thought that I could ever hear such a confession from you… - Amon said on a softer voice, even more confused. Then why do you want to leave me when you could finally trust me, he wanted to ask, but somehow he didn't dare to do that now. He felt defeated and selfish. He planned a perfect evening for her, trying so hard to do everything to please her and make her feel special, yet he forgot to think about the danger of taking her out of her safe home, parading around with her on his arm.

Helena's calmness was a simple mask – that was created by fear and anxiety.

\- You have done so much for me. You saved my life.

It took Amon a few seconds before he could speak again.

\- And where do you want to go?

The reply came as quickly as if she had been thinking about it for a long time.

\- Anywhere. I just want to start a new life. As soon as possible.

Amon's eyes and face expressed so much pain that it was rather difficult for her to keep looking at him. He had given up forcing his will on her anymore – and now she didn't allow him to have another choice.

\- All right.

She repeated in astonishment. She didn't expect him to let her go so easily.

\- All right?

He nodded with a weak smile.

\- Yes, tomorrow morning you can leave. I understand your fear and I am sorry for keeping you here. I won't stand in your way. – he turned around and walked into his bedroom.

She could feel that he was not mad or angry with her – he was simply sad and confused. She could have never imagined that he would dare to show his sadness or to give up expressing his frustration with anger – and now she could see again how much he had changed.

But she didn't lie to him. She loved him and that was why she didn't want to push him into any trouble because of her. It was so difficult to make that decision, to tell it into his eyes, to break away from him – but she had to do that step. We could never be safe, nowhere, not even in Vienna, until this horrible war goes on, she thought bitterly, and I must not risk or sacrifice him for my happiness.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter 18.

In the morning Helena woke up earlier as she did. It was only half past four and she was unable to sleep more. She had been so exhausted both physically and mentally, still it had taken her two hours to fall asleep and her dreams had been full of anxiety and darkness. Now she was simply excited, with a strong headache and pain in her stomach. However, she could not feel bigger pain anywhere but in her heart.

She didn't want to leave Herr Kommandant, but she had to, she was forced to – for herself, for him. She knew clearly now that she loved him with all her heart and that was why it felt so difficult and painful for her to leave. I wish I could stay with him forever, she thought bitterly, for the first time I feel it, even though it seems so unbelievable, because I had never dreamt of, I could have never imagined thinking of him this way, of loving him at all. And now she knew that she was in love with him and it was much more than infatuation or gratitude.

While she was getting dressed as silently as possible, she could hear that Amon was awake as well. He was walking up and down in his bedroom, the floor was creaking under his feet. She knew how anxious and sorrowful he must have been and it caused another slash of pain in her heart. I must leave you without your knowing how much I do love and respect you, she thought, and she felt like crying again. She had been fighting with her tears for so long and they hurt.

They left their bedrooms at the same time and they met in front of the kitchen.

\- Good morning, Helena.

\- Good morning, Herr Kommandant.

Amon smiled at her weakly and showed her politely with his hand to enter first. (He must have slept less than usual, not only his eyes, but his movements as well showed some kind of tiredness.) She obeyed feeling on her back how he was staring at her. She could not ignore the touchable sadness in his glance and on his lips and she was close to waver in her resolution.

When they were standing opposite each other, this time she did not take her eyes off from him. She wanted to drink the sight of him into her brain as deeply as possible. Despite his tiredness, he looked really handsome, especially in his tight uniform that still made her frightened although she knew very well that it had always meant protection for her. He had protected her from everyone except himself in Kraków-Płaszów, and from everyone including himself since they left the concentration camp.

Amon spoke, with a tender smile on his lips.

\- I guess you are really excited to leave Vienna.

He didn't add "and me" but she almost heard the continuation of the sentence in her mind.

Helena replied weakly.

\- Yes, Herr Kommandant. To start a journey always goes with some excitement.

Amon didn't reply and to make herself busy, Helena started to prepare coffee while he was standing at the other side of the table, still watching her profoundly. She felt and saw how her hands shivered while trying to open the coffee box and she tried her best to hide it from him. If he comes closer to me, if he touches my hand to help me, I will be lost and I will surrender, she thought.

A few minutes passed when he spoke again, remaining in the same posture:

\- Shall I take you to the station?

His voice was void of anger or frustration and it was still surprising for her that he was able to react on such a gentle way – in comparison how he had reacted to things he didn't like when he had been the commander of the Kraków-Płaszów camp.

Helena was just taking the cups out of the cupboard but now she looked at him, giving him a little grateful smile while bowing her head.

\- Thank you, Herr Kommandant. It would be really thoughtful of you.

She wished somehow he would not want to talk to her when it was so difficult for her just to breathe while she just wanted to hear his voice again before she had to leave and never see or hear him again. She felt her tears coming out and pricking her eyelids again and it was quite a fight to defend them and stop them flowing along her cheeks. He is not allowed to see me cry, she commanded herself, he is not allowed to know how I feel for him.

Amon was watching him, he seemed to be unable to take his eyes off her while all the past memories, when he had been rude and cruel to her, beating, torturing and humiliating her, came into his mind, making him feel deeply ashamed and lost. Now he felt the most how terribly he had ruined his chance.

As soon as they drank their cup of coffee and Amon made Helena eat a small sandwich while forcing a similar one through his throat (so they could eat together for the last time), with her avoiding his searching eyes, Helena picked up her light suitcase and they left for the railway station.

This was the first time when the huge crowd of people did not frighten or worry Helena – she could not care anymore. She could look at all those men and women hurrying up on the streets and on the platforms totally calmly and still she was able to feel safe. I will leave this city forever and no one could ever hurt Herr Kommandant because of me, she thought, feeling both joy and pain at the same time.

They stopped in the middle of the station, in front of the timetable.

People were hurrying and rushing around them, shouting, crying and pushing their way along, yet Amon and Helena both felt as if they had been completely all alone. They could see nothing and nobody except each other. Both of them were wearing their own mask of polite calmness while neither of them knew how much the other one was lying.

\- Have you chosen your destination? – Amon asked suddenly.

Helena looked at him, forcing a little smile on her lips. She was not afraid now but still she didn't want to create any sensation with her pale, sorrowful expression around herself.

\- Yes, Herr Kommandant. It is Geneva.

Amon nodded with approval. Suddenly he felt unable to smile back at her. He knew that even though Geneva was not far from Vienna, it would have been especially difficult for him to travel there, as a Nazi commandant, in the middle of the millions of tasks being poured all over him. When will I ever see her again, he asked himself.

\- Perfect choice. There you will be really safe.

Helena didn't want to talk more.

Unsaid words were strangling her and she could clearly hear how deeply sad she had made him. She felt so ungrateful and she wished she would have another choice. He had risked so much to save my life, she thought, he had almost died because of me and now I am tramping on his special gift and leaving him alone.

Amon's voice sounded a little forlorn when he spoke again.

\- Will you send me a letter when you settle down? I just would like to know that everything is all right with you.

Probably it was only her imagination, but his bright blue eyes seemed to her to be begging her to stay. Their sight and his two sentences broke her heart into pieces again. He had tortured her so badly, both physically and mentally, not caring about how much pain and suffering he had been giving her, and now he was standing there beside her, letting her do what she wanted and all he could care about was her safety and well-being, even though he was obviously suffering.

\- Of course, I will.

Amon was watching her, full of tenderness that he didn't even try to hide, and his voice was a little hoarse as if he had been smoking all night long.

\- Thank you. You can always call me if you need any help.

\- That is really kind of you, Herr Kommandant. – Helena was so close to tears that she was afraid of starting to weep in a second - again - it would have been a nightmare at that situation. At that very moment however she could see that her train arrived and it was ready to take up its passengers. - Platform Nr. nine. That is mine. – in spite of her intention, she spoke with an audible sigh of relief.

It made Amon's heart crushed, but instead of replying, he picked up her suitcase with his left hand quickly, and took her elbow gently into his right hand, leading Helena carefully to her train.

She followed him without a word, with a heavy heart. Is he the same man, the same Herr Kommandant, who beat me up when he was angry with me, she was asking herself, who touched me, then almost killed me for having emotions for me?

Amon's face was completely emotionless now, although his whole body was so tense that she could feel it through his hand. He accepted the greetings of the soldiers along the platform who recognised his high rank and he nodded simply. The sight of Nazi soldiers made him uneasy now, he didn't know why, while Helena seemed to be unaware of their annoying sight.

What has happened to this girl, he was wondering, yesterday she told me she must leave me because of all those people around us who could suspect the real personality of hers, who could bring danger on both of us, and now she is walking by my side as if she were completely safe. He couldn't understand why she seemed to be so calm and relaxed – possibly she is already thinking of her new life in Switzerland where there are no Nazis, where she can be who she is, he thought.

Suddenly Amon stopped at a carriage that seemed almost empty – only an old man with long white moustache and beard was sitting by the window.

\- Five minutes. – he looked at Helena. - I think you should get on the train, Helena. Let me carry your suitcase till your carriage, please.

She had a hard time to keep her mask on her face and to stand still while she was shivering all over, both mentally and physically. How long do I have to keep on pretending, with some bitterness she thought, when can I be free, really free?

The decision had been made.

\- It is needless, Herr Kommandant.

Amon was probably offended but he nodded only, still wearing that soft smile that became his usual since they left the railway station of Krakow and since they were living in Vienna.

\- I understand, you don't need my help.

Helena could not but admire his strength and power of will. I could have never imagined that you are such a wonderful man, she whispered to him in her thoughts, you are able to amaze me every day.

\- It is true.

Amon looked a little hurt, but he managed to keep the smile on his face.

Someone in the background shouted that it was high time everyone got on the train and occupied their seats. Amon didn't understand why Helena didn't move.

\- I think it is time for goodbye. – his bright blue eyes, his slightly trembling lips, his whole face bore clear evidence of being so broken and defeated.

Suddenly Helena lifted her hand and caressed his cheek very softly, running her fingertips slowly and tenderly along his skin. Amon went quite pale while the small cold fingers were touching his skin.

\- What…

Helena blushed a little and her hand remained on his left cheek motionlessly. She loved the touch of his skin, the sensation of touching him, and she felt some kind of strange bliss in herself.

\- You are not a monster anymore, Herr Kommandant.

Amon's face became much redder than hers, remembering that night so sharply when she had been shouting those painful, but painfully true words into his face. He could have never imagined that she would ever be able to forgive him and tell him such an impossible announcement that she just said.

\- Thank you, Helena, for your kind remark, but I think you should get on the train instead.

Helena was watching his boots now, holding her hands enlaced, biting her bottom lip. She was afraid of his reaction now, although she was completely sure that he would never hurt her again.

The closer they had got to the railway station, the clearer she had felt that she was unable to leave him. She knew what she should have done – running away from him, from Vienna – but this time she had to realise how much selfish she was. She felt suffocating to talk to him about her emotions, about her fears and her love for him, but she felt also suffocating because of the thought of being without him.

\- I am not going anywhere.

Amon was looking at her dumbfounded. Did he hear it right or was his imagination playing with his brain?

\- Excuse me?

\- I said I am not going anywhere.

Amon was breathless.

\- I heard you right, Helena, but why did you want to leave Vienna then?

Now Helena had to look at him again. She seemed to be completely confused and scared – however not as confused as Amon actually was. He didn't dare to believe his own ears and she knew it.

\- I am sorry… I don't want to go now.

Amon took a few deep breaths while she was still watching him, waiting for some reaction. He didn't reply, he was trying to compose himself, but she could clearly see joyful surprise and happiness flashing up in his eyes. Even if he had been angry for a second, it had already disappeared. It made her calm a little though she still felt suffocating.

Helena took a deep breath, too.

\- I would love to stay with you and work for you.

She didn't dare to admit that she was unable to leave him and live without him. She was unable to because she couldn't imagine her life without him by her side.

A tender smile appeared on Amon's relaxed face – it made his whole face light up. Helena thought she had never seen him so happy and so beautiful before.

\- Are you sure?

\- I am absolutely sure.

\- Let's go home then. – he said softly and took her arm gently.

Helena didn't reply but wrapped her fingers around his upper arm gently. She was smiling too, weakly, but happily. She was not sure if it was the right decision to stay but she felt that she had to do that.


End file.
